Author: Henry Kook

Matthew 25:35-36

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: 36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. (KJV)

Jesus (to his mother): 35 Mom, I’m so thankful for you. I was hungry, and you fed me. Thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you still cared for me. 36 I was naked, and you clothed me. Sick, and you took care of me. I was in prison…

Mom: PRISON?! Jesus Michael Christ, when were you in prison?! You know that kind of stuff stays on your record, you know? How are you going to find a job now? You’re already a vagrant that goes about in your sandals everywhere with your buddies. So what was it, Jesus Michael? Turning water into wine and drinking in public again? Your marijuana (but with a pronounced “j”)? Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what to do with you anymore. (BBI)

1 Corinthians 13:11

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (KJV)

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child (which makes sense since you were a child. Like seriously, it doesn’t take a frickin’ genius to make this easy connection that if you’re a child, you probably act and live your experiences as a child.) When I became a man, I put away all the happiness in my life. Video games? Gone. Playtime? Gone. Taxes? Yes. Mortgage? Yes. I lost my whimsy and joy in the little things and got obsessed with trying to prove myself and keep moving up into upper management at my boring, cubicle-enclosed career. But hey, 401k matching. I’ll be able to retire at 60. Maybe. Social Security is failing. (BBI)

Matthew 1:20

20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. (KJV)

20 My dude, Joseph! Dude, dude, I’m telling you, there’s this hot ass babe, Mary. You should totally get with her man. Man, just don’t be afraid, dude. You got it. I know her through that other chick. You know, Mary Magdalene? That girl is a freak. But dude, Magdalene is friends with the other Mary. She’s like the girl-next-door type – super cute, innocent – but apparently she’s kinda into you, dude. Virgin too. Hell yeah, man. Get on that and put the Holy Ghost in her, if you know what I mean 😉 (BBI)

Leviticus 18:22

22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (KJV)

22 Ewww, guHroo0sss! Like a peener with another, ew! How does that even work?!
Wait, EW, YOU MEAN UP THE BUTTHOLE?! It’s…it’s like a brown snake then.

Girl-on-girl scissoring is pretty hot though. (BBI)

Bit late, but congratulations on marriage equality, my friends of whatever sexuality.

1 Peter 3:8

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. (NIV)

My low-life minions, be like-minded, for you are simpletons. Copies of copies. You have no identity. You are not unique. You are not an individual. You are a slave. You are sheep. Dependent. Be sympathetic. Naive. Weak. Frail. You are the lowest of low. Scum. I can replace you, for I am God, and you are nothing. Love one another. Because no one else will. You’re no better. Wait, you’re worse than the dog shit at the bottom of a homeless man’s half-rotten shoe. Be compassionate and humble. Because you shall not get my compassion. You will listen to me and follow my every order. Because you are weak-minded, unable to do anything for yourself. I created you, and I can take you out. Noah-type shit. Chinese Water Torture aint shit. (BBI)

1 Thessalonians 5-8

Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness. Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober. For they that sleep sleep in the night; and they that be drunken are drunken in the night. But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation. (KJV)

Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness. Therefore let us not fall into their sinful ways, but let us be lame and sober. Let them do the sinful acts of enjoyment of life, dancing, and hooking up as we watch with a diet soda in the corner. For they that sleep at night likely live boring lives and are in bed by 10PM. Those who are drunken are out in the night, commiteth sins of the flesh, much more than those who sleep. But let us, who are of the day, be sober and self-righteous as if we are better people, as we judge them from afar for their life choices. (BBI)

John 11:35

35 Jesus wept. (KJV)

35 Jesus wept as he looked at the photos. He brushed them affectionately, as if his they were still there. He sighed, bawled a little more, and reached for the bottle. He took a swig of Jameson and made a face of disgust for a brief moment. The kickback was harsh, as the whiskey was now warm from being drunk all day. He slur-mumbled something and trailed off.

Jesus looked again at the photo: him, his recently divorced ex-wife, and his two kids at Disney World. His alcoholism had driven them away. From the beginning. He had neglected them, abused them, and they couldn’t take it any longer. All he did was turn water into wine, drinking all day, all night. He had lost his job just a few months earlier. They grew tired, and his now ex-wife escaped with the kids. Full custody. Jesus stood no chance. He even showed up to the custody hearing as his usual self, drunk. He couldn’t help him. He was diseased. And Jesus wept.

Then Jesus stood up suddenly and violent. “AHH FUCK HER!” Jesus yelled. He threw the photo frame across the room and then the bottle. The photo fell with a thud, and the bottle shattered into a hundred shards over the picture – as a literary metaphor for Jesus’ now shattered life. (BBI)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Forgive me, Father, for I have been too busy to preach to my flock. Because of the semi-recent Valentine’s Day, I’ll interpret one of the most popular Bible passages for weddings.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (NIV)

 Love is a pushover and meek. Love does not hurt, it is not selfish, it is not easily angered, it doesn’t really care. Apathetic, at best. Love doesn’t delight in evil, but rejoices when others get what’s “coming to them,” which is kinda evil in itself. It is overprotective and overreacts, but claims to trust the other. Even when things bother it or start going south, love latches on and tries to make it work. Refusing to let go, to point of insanity: Calls late at night. Texts every waking minute and gets pissed if you don’t text back. Stalking.

Love never fails. But it shall destroy what you thought was fate, silence the people, and get rid of all intelligence We know, but not actually because it’s still speculation, but we know like from our gut, you know what I mean? Just trust me, cmon, I got it. But we know, 10 it when it happens, which is how any normal sensory function works 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I died a bit inside and lost any fun I had in my personality. 12 For when we look into a mirror, we see our face, and therefore, face-to-face. Now I’m just really high and repeating words to sound prophetic. (BBI)

 

Psalms 37:11

11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. (KJV)

11 The meek shall have the whole world to themselves, mainly because the introverted are looked down upon in Western civilization and seen as weak, boring, and not cool. They will become social pariahs, leading to an abundance of peace (but perhaps not inner-peace due to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness). (BBI)