New Testament

Romans 13:1-2

1 Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. (NIV)

1 “God made everything that is authoritarian. Your parents? God. Your boss? God. Maniacal dictators? God. 2 Use this section of the Bible to suggest you’ve been chosen by God and to justify any cruel and/or unusual punishment of human beings seeking asylum. (BBI)

I swear. Modern day Evangelical Christians are ancestors of the same religious fanatics they kicked out of England back in the day. Here are some alternative Bible passages to interpret:

33 “When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. 34 The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.” (NIV, Lev. 19:33-34)

19 “Cursed is anyone who withholds justice from the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow. Then all the people shall say, “Amen!” (NIV, Deut. 27:19)

Happy Fourth of July! This is America.

1 Peter 5:6-7

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (NIV)

6 Katelyn opened the large double doors and walked into the office. She glanced at God, but looked away quickly as she felt she was not worthy. Also, the light emitting from his face was blinding. Instead, Katelyn looked around the room at the high bookshelves, intricate stained glass windows, and therapist’s reclining chair.

“I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty nervous,” she said.

“Do not worry my child. Come,” God said as he pointed her in the direction of the chair. Upon his beckoning, Katelyn walked to the chair and sat in it. She felt comfortable in his holy light and began casting her anxieties onto him.

7 “I just don’t know, God. Sometimes, I just feel like I’m not getting as much out of life as I put in.” Katelyn paused as God scribbled something down on a legal pad. “And I’m not sure if it’s something I can control or not. It’s really tiring and affecting my self-esteem.”

“That’s certainly interesting. How do you feel it’s impacting your life?” God said with compassion.

“I work out and everything, but I hate the way my knees look. Look at my them!”

“Yeah, I’m looking at them. I made them. What’s the problem?”

“Someone said my knees look like Al Pacino and Chevy Chase’s lovechild!”

“Oh, Jerry? Yeah, he’s an asshole. Don’t worry about him. I’ll take care of him.”

“Wait, how did you–?”

“I know everything. Go on, what else troubles you, my child?”

“My anxiety has me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. When I go to the shower, I cover my private parts, even though I know no one else is there. Is that weird?”

“Well, God does see everything.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. Anything else?”

“Well, there is one more thing,” Kaitlyn hesitated for a moment and then found the strength to continue. “I’ve…I’ve been such a mess lately that I’ve gone back to gambling. It started with slot machines, but it wasn’t good enough. I started playing blackjack. And I won a few hands, and it felt good. But then I lost my wedding ring, so I had to win it back. So then I bet my daughter’s college fund. I didn’t think I had another choice. I still haven’t told my husband. I told him I lost my ring while at the gym. What do I do? Oh God, what do I do?!”

“Hmm, that is tough. All right, 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys, and you should be good. NEXT!” (BBI)

1 Corinthians 30:18-19

18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness” (NIV)

18 Idiocy is brilliance. Intelligence is stupid. Logic is nonsense. 19 Everything you know is a lie, for I, your God, do not recognize your wisdom. For I am the only one who can be wise. I am omniscient, and all of the knowledge is mine. You shall forever pay for eating my special fruit. For it is written: “Schools, books, and smartphones are sin, and all those who partake shall be smitten.” (BBI)

Mark 2:15-17

15 While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. 16 When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (NIV)

15 Jesus and his disciples went to eat dinner at Levi’s house with numerous tax collectors and sinners. 16 The Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors and asked his disciples, “Ew, why does he eat with those lowly tax collectors and sinners?”

17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

“God, what a pretentious dick,” the Pharisee muttered as he walked along. (BBI)

Luke 24:1-12

Jesus Has Risen (Easter Sunday, a couple days late. So what, sue me.)

1 On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. 2 They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, 3 but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. 5 In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? 6 He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 7 ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”8 Then they remembered his words.

9 When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. 11 But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. 12 Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened. (NIV)

Jesus Undead

It was early on Sunday. The morning mist clouded the atmosphere as the women walked on the lonesome dirt path. They had prepared spices for Jesus’ dead body, because everybody knows that dead people love dry spices by itself.

When they arrived at Jesus’ tomb, the stone had been rolled to the side. With no one around, the women approached the tomb cautiously and entered. Mary Magdalene screamed in horror, as Jesus’ body was no longer there. They all stood there in silence and looked at each other.

All of a sudden, a great white light flooded the tomb, blinding and enveloping the women in its bright light. The women bowed down in fear as two angels, or men with a lot of fireworks, appeared before them and said, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here. He has risen! Remember when he referred to himself in the third person and said, ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified, and on the third day be raised again?'”

“You’re right. That was oddly specific,” said Mother Mary.

When the women came back from the tomb, they told Eleven from Stranger Things and everyone else about Jesus’ empty tomb. But the disciples did not believe the women, “Are you high right now? You’re being woman-like and not making sense even though we’re talking about the alleged Man-God who is part human and part supernatural.”

Without saying a word, Peter suddenly rose up from his chair and sprinted off towards the tomb. Peter found the empty tomb and Jesus’ torn linens. Peter looked dramatically at the sunset as he grasped the bloodied linen, “Oh God, he’s back.”

Then zombie Jesus ate everyone’s brains because that’s what zombies do. The end. (BBI)

Matthew 9:2

2 And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. (KJV)

2 Jesus’s disciples brought back a man sick with palsy. The man could barely move his body and was paralyzed from the waist down. But the man remained in good spirits and showed tremendous faith in the Lord.

So Jesus said unto him, “Son, be of good cheer, your sins have been forgiven.”

“But what about my legs? How is forgiving my sins going to heal my legs?”

“Relax, my child. My healing powers are rooted in Christian science and 9 out of 10 doctors say that the healing of sins is the same as healing the physical body. Now walk.”

So at his command, the crippled man mustered all of his strength and edged his body to the edge of the bed. For the first time in 15 years, the man would be finally be able to walk again. He sat up in the bed and with the help of

“Go, my son,” Jesus said.

The man took his first step. He fell. (BBI)

A friendly message to go to your doctor’s office for serious injuries and medical conditions and not simply “pray on it.”

1 Timothy 1:8-9

8 But we know that the law is good, if a man use it lawfully; 9 Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers (KJV)

8 The law is good when used lawfully, based on the laws. 9  Knowing this, the law is not made for the law-abiding, but the lawless. (BBI)

John 2:3-10

The story of Jesus Changing Water into Wine

3 When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” 4 “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” 5 His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” 6 Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. 7 Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. 8 Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, 9 and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” (NIV)

3 The wine was gone. Jesus’ mother, Mary, got up from her resting spot and stumbled around. “JESUS MICHAEL CHRIST!” she yelled.
4 “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied to his mother in a tone that I guess was acceptable at the time. “My hour has not yet come.”
5 Mary began laughing loudly and obnoxiously as she stood in the middle of the room. Everyone stopped to stare. Tripping over her feet and slurring over her words, Mary went up to the servants and said, “Do whatever he tells you.” She then leaned into one of the manservants, placing her hands on his chest and giggling. She cupped her hands and whispered in his ear, “And you…you do whatever I tell you to.” She winked as she walked away, leaving the servant shocked at the aggressive sexual advance by Jesus’ mother.

6 Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
“Oh my God, Jesus. Look, look.” She pointed at the stone jars. Jesus came over to inspect. “And they’re so clean. YAAS queen!”
7 Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
8 “JESUS! JESUS!” Mary cackled from across the room.
Frustrated again, Jesus replied, “What, woman? I’m going as fast as I can.”
“Oh, well nevermind then. Don’t mind me. Just your mother,” Mary quickly retreated.

Jesus then told the servants, “Sorry. Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, 9 and the master of the banquet tasted the liquid formerly known as water. The master did not realize where it had come from 10 and said, “DAMNNN, SON OF GOD! You turned water into Hennessey?!” (BBI)

Mark 10:13-16

13 And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them. (KJV)

13 People brought young children to Jesus, so that he could touch them. The disciples were appalled and scolded that brought the young flesh to Jesus: “What are you doing?! Do not bring children to be touched by the Lord!” 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was disappointed and said unto them, “Let me touch the children. Do not let the children suffer, for it is God’s Will for me to touch these pure children, and they shall experience the Kingdom of God.”  15 I say unto you, “Any child who does not “receive” the “Kingdom of God” shall not penetrate, I mean, enter heaven.” 16 The others looked suspiciously as Jesus continued to use air quotes for peculiar words. Then Jesus took the children that were brought to him and touched them in front of everyone. (BBI)

Matthew 2:11

The Story of the Three Magi

11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. (KJV)

11 They arrived at the house after a long week’s travel, and, upon seeing the baby Jesus and his mother Mary, they collapsed at the feet of the infant Savior and worshipped him. Young Mother Mary smiled pleasantly and thanked them for the kind gesture.

“No, the honor is all ours,” one of the magi said. “Please, let us show our gratitude.” And all at the same time, each magi brought a wrapped gift out from under their robes.

The first magi unwrapped his gift and presented it to Jesus and Mary. “Here is my humble gift of gold, straight from the neck of ‘Lil Jon himself.”

The other two magi looked at each other. After a long pause, the second magi finally exclaimed, “HUMBLE?! Way to one up us, dude!” The third magi jumped in, “Yeah, what the fuck, man. You’re making us look like some cheapskates! Besides I thought we agreed to a $20 limit?”

The first magi defended himself, “Sorry, sorry, I forgot, geez! Just show yours.” The second magi then grabbed his gift apathetically and sighed as he opened the wrapping, revealing frankincense.

There was another pause, then everyone in the room except the second magi burst into laughter. “Frankincense?! Perfume?!? HAHA. Is the baby trying to get laid? HAHA!!”

The second magi erupted from his seat and shouted, “HEY, WHY DOES PERFUME GOT TO BE GENDER-SPECIFIC, HUH? YOU SEXISTS! YEAH, CHECK YOURSELF!” Everyone stopped laughing immediately and anxiously looked at each other.

“Okay then…” the third magi broke the tense silence, “So, the final gift.” He unwrapped the cloth, and everyone huddled around to see.

“Myrrh? Wait, isn’t that used for embalming dead bodies?”

“Yeah,” the third magi responded.

“That’s really dark, dude.”

“What? It’s like 1 B.C. Lots of infants die from complications! I was just being thoughtful!” (BBI)