Old Testament

Deuteronomy 6:5-7

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. (KJV)

Love me. With all your heart, soul, blah blah, you know. Just love me! LOVE ME! I’m so needy for attention. This isn’t even a choice. LOVE ME!! And I shall ingrain this feeling deep into your heart so you never forget! And you’ll speak about me to your children and your children’s children – when you’re in your home, when you’re walking, when you’re lying down, and when you get up. BYAHH! ALL. BECAUSE. YOU. LOVE. ME. (BBI)

Jeez, insecure much?

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Joel 2:12-14

12 “Even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
    with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

13 Rend your heart
    and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
    and he relents from sending calamity.
14 Who knows? He may turn and relent
    and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
    for the Lord your God. (NIV)

12 The Lord proclaimed from the sky,
    “Return to me with all your heart,
    by not eating food, crying, and devastation.

13 Give up your heart, your literal heart, up to me.
    Pull it directly out of your chest, but don’t take off your garments,
    for you know I get squeamish about nudity.
Return to the Lord, your God,
    for He is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger, despite drowning the entire world once,
abounding in love, 
and he relents from sending calamity.
He also is the humblest to ever exist,
extremely good looking, and godlike in the sack.
14 Return to the Lord! Who knows?
He may turn 
and leave behind a blessing—
if you give up offerings of grain and drink
    to the Lord your God. (BBI)

Genesis 16:2-9

The Story of Hagar, Abram & Sarai’s Maid

And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. (KJV)

Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has made me barren. Go impregnate our slave girl so we may take the child as our own.”
“But isn’t that rape? Shouldn’t we at least ask if she wants to be a surrogate for us? This seems kinda unethical, Sa–”
“WHO CARES? DO I LOOK CRAZY?! JUST PENETRATE HER WITH YOUR PENIS!” And he complied.
So Sarai took Hagar, her Egyptian slave, and made her strip and gave her to Abram. Abram sighed and unwillingly had loud, sweaty intercourse multiple times with Hagar for three full days (Fun fact: Three is a biblical number). Once Hagar conceived, she looked down on Sarai. Sarai, sensing this hostility, told Abram that she had made a mistake in allowing Hagar to be taken by Abram.

Abram replied like the dirty savage he is, “She’s your slave. Do whatever you want with that hoe.” And when Sarai beat Hagar, Hagar fled.
The angel of the Lord was I guess just strolling the countryside and found Hagar by the fountain on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where’d you come from? Where will you go?”
Hagar said, “I fled from Sarai because she beat me.” The angel of the Lord saw the pitiful shape Hagar was in – crying, bruised, and disheveled. Then the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and continually get mistreated as a human being, being constantly beaten and raped in order to produce not even your own children.” (BBI)

Exodus 3:1-6

The Story of Moses and the Burning Bush

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb,the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.”
When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “Here I am.”
“Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” Then he said, “I am the God of your father,[a] the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. (NIV)

Moses was tending to his father-in-law’s flock. He led the grazing sheep to the far side of the forest to Horeb, the mountain of God, near where the special plant grew. Suddenly, a heavy earthy smell surrounded him and his body began to tingle. A hallucination of an angel appeared to Moses from the flames of fire from a distant bush. “What is this strange sight, this familiar smell?”
The Lord, sitting in thirty pounds of marijuana, saw that Moses was now approaching the “bush.” God freaking out, called to him, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “I’m right here, Dude.”
“Hey man, hey man, can you like not come any closer?” God said. “Take off your sandals, man! Put on some socks! They’re onto us!”
“God, what are you–”
“Shh…the government’s stealing our electric brain signals through the floor!

Moses gave God a look of deep concern.
The Lord noticed this and boomed, “Do not question me! I am the God of your father,[a] the God of Abraham…oh man, I’m high as fuck.” At this, Moses hid his face in embarrassment, ashamed to look at God. (BBI)

Happy 420, y’all. Don’t have a bad trip.

Genesis 19:30-36

30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. (KJV)

30 Lot and his two daughters went up to Zoar and settled in a cave in the mountains. Soon, Lot grew depressed and withdrew from the world. 31 The older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there are no men who will have sex with us. Yes, this is a weird transition of two seemingly separate topics that should never be immediately talked about back to back, but listen. 32 Let us make our father drink wine, and essentially rape him so we can carry on his seed.”

33 And they made their father drink wine that night, and the oldest went in and “lay” with her father. He was not aware of what what was happening, similar to the victims of Bill Cosby (allegedly). 34 The next morning, the oldest said to the youngest, “I had sex with our father. Let us make him lose consciousness again tonight and perform incest to preserve our bloodline. You know, for the good!”

35 And they drugged their father again. This time, the youngest went and took advantage of his non-consenting mind. 36 Both of Lot’s daughter carried his seed, and somehow God was cool with it. (BBI)

So, God approves of rape and incest. Go forth and multiply!

Proverbs 27:15-16

15 A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping
    of a leaky roof in a rainstorm;
16 restraining her is like restraining the wind
    or grasping oil with the hand. (NIV)

DAMNNN!!! Hope you all enjoyed International Women’s Day, because the Bible is telling y’all to behave.  “Quarrelsome wives” are annoying and it’s impossible to stop them. Goddamn that’s some ill shit though. But to defend my non-misogyny, I leave you with…

“Well-behaved women seldom make history.”
– Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

 

Isaiah 43:15-16

15 I am the Lord, your Holy One, the creator of Israel, your King. 16 Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters; (KJV)

15 “I’m the one you can call your Lord, the Holy One. You can call me the Grandmaster of Earth, Lord of the Universe, God of all that mothafuckin’ exists. I am the creator of Israel, I own you. Brrrat Brrrrat! They call me the Don, the G, nah, the OG. I am the first, the Alpha AND the Omega. Untouchable, call me MC Hammer. I’m too fly, I’m too high, I’m in the air like a G6. Like the clouds. I’m out of this atmosphere. I’m even past your comprehension. I’m non-physical, but I can knock yo’ ass out!” 16 Bragged God to the two children who were praying to him in hopes of saving their father dying from cancer.

Genesis 39:7-9

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? (KJV)

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, “Fuck me.” She threw off her bathrobe while in the archway to Joseph’s room and she began to caress her supple breasts. 

But he refused, and said, “Nah bruh, bro code. I can’t just betray your husband’s trust like that. I’m a man of integrity, a man of principle. He’s been only good to me, how could I do such a wicked thing and go against him?”

“I’ll let you put it in my butt.” And Joseph quickly arose from the bed ready to smash dat @$$. (BBI)

Old Testament’s got some weird stories, huh? Sorry for the hiatus, my flock. #BibleFanFiction

1 Samuel 16:7

So a special request from J.B. Becker for this verse. (Was supposed to be last post, but I typed in the wrong verse. Woops!)

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. (KJV)

But the Lord said unto Sammi, “I mean, don’t even worry about. You shouldn’t even like look at his face or his height…or his crooked teeth, red hair, weird mole, strange haircut, hairy chest, crusty fingernails, or acne-filled face. I mean, just give him a chance, Sammi. Just because I laughed in his face when he confessed his feelings for me and asked me out doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least go out on a date with him. You’re in a totally different league than me, know what I mean? Like you should go for him. Like totally. I mean you can’t like really like do much better, right? Besides, he’s a nice guy.” (BBI)