Old Testament

Isaiah 43:15-16

15 I am the Lord, your Holy One, the creator of Israel, your King. 16 Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters; (KJV)

15 “I’m the one you can call your Lord, the Holy One. You can call me the Grandmaster of Earth, Lord of the Universe, God of all that mothafuckin’ exists. I am the creator of Israel, I own you. Brrrat Brrrrat! They call me the Don, the G, nah, the OG. I am the first, the Alpha AND the Omega. Untouchable, call me MC Hammer. I’m too fly, I’m too high, I’m in the air like a G6. Like the clouds. I’m out of this atmosphere. I’m even past your comprehension. I’m non-physical, but I can knock yo’ ass out!” 16 Bragged God to the two children who were praying to him in hopes of saving their father dying from cancer.

Genesis 39:7-9

7 And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. 8 But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; 9 There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? (KJV)

7 And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, “Fuck me.” She threw off her bathrobe while in the archway to Joseph’s room and she began to caress her supple breasts. 

8 But he refused, and said, “Nah bruh, bro code. I can’t just betray your husband’s trust like that. 9 I’m a man of integrity, a man of principle. He’s been only good to me, how could I do such a wicked thing and go against him?”

“I’ll let you put it in my butt.” And Joseph quickly arose from the bed ready to smash dat @$$. (BBI)

Old Testament’s got some weird stories, huh? Sorry for the hiatus, my flock. #BibleFanFiction

1 Samuel 16:7

So a special request from J.B. Becker for this verse. (Was supposed to be last post, but I typed in the wrong verse. Woops!)

7 But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. (KJV)

7 But the Lord said unto Sammi, “I mean, don’t even worry about. You shouldn’t even like look at his face or his height…or his crooked teeth, red hair, weird mole, strange haircut, hairy chest, crusty fingernails, or acne-filled face. I mean, just give him a chance, Sammi. Just because I laughed in his face when he confessed his feelings for me and asked me out doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least go out on a date with him. You’re in a totally different league than me, know what I mean? Like you should go for him. Like totally. I mean you can’t like really like do much better, right? Besides, he’s a nice guy.” (BBI)

 

1 Samuel 1:7

7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. (KJV)

7 This went on year after year. This happened every time Hannah went up to the house of the Lord. Or at least that’s what that bitch Bridget told Hannah to call the Kappa Phi Delta House whenever she stepped onto to its hallowed grounds and tradition of sisterhood, friendship, and Walks of Shame.

It was rush season, Hannah was trying one more time. Bridget’s influence had kept Hannah from impressing her parents by getting into one of the most prestigious sororities in Northeast Idaho. Hannah tried to walk by Bridget and directly into the front doors of the Kappa house.

Bridget, without even looking her way, said, “Nope.”

“But I-”

“NOOOOOPEEEEE!!!” Bridget cut her off before she could finish.

“But Bridget! Please!”

“Not Bridget…”

“…Ok…Lord, may I please enter?”Bridget’s mouth couldn’t hold back a smirk, and Hannah walked in and sunk her head.

You can do this, Hannah. You are a lovely and brilliant young woman. Hannah told herself as she held back tears.

“Ew, oh my God, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. It looks like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.” The sorority girls burst out in laughter. Hannah burst into tears.

Meanwhile, Anthony Ray AKA Sir Mix-A-Lot was passing by, and he rushed home to write his only hit song. (BBI)

Leviticus 18:22

22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (KJV)

22 Ewww, guHroo0sss! Like a peener with another, ew! How does that even work?!
Wait, EW, YOU MEAN UP THE BUTTHOLE?! It’s…it’s like a brown snake then.

Girl-on-girl scissoring is pretty hot though. (BBI)

Bit late, but congratulations on marriage equality, my friends of whatever sexuality.

Psalms 37:11

11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. (KJV)

11 The meek shall have the whole world to themselves, mainly because the introverted are looked down upon in Western civilization and seen as weak, boring, and not cool. They will become social pariahs, leading to an abundance of peace (but perhaps not inner-peace due to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness). (BBI)

Psalms 37:7

7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. (KJV)

7 Do not fret if the Lord leaves the house or is busy and goes off doing whatever he’s doing. Just wait. Because he’ll come back. Be patient, and you shall be rewarded. Besides you can just go on the Internet or play Candy Crush on your smartphone while you wait. (BBI)

Exodus 20:3

3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (KJV)

In Exodus 20:3, God is giving his full permission for others to explore religion and find what works for them, or find what they truly believe in. This, however, is of course with a condition: you must be born a Christian, and then are able to freely explore and learn of other religions (or be an atheist before becoming Christian). As long as you find a god AFTER the Bible’s God, it is not a sin. The Word of the Lord. From the Big Man himself. (BBI)

Deuteronomy 8:6

6 Therefore thou shalt keep the commandments of the Lord thy God, to walk in his ways, and to fear him. (KJV)

6 The Cutlass Supreme slowly turned the corner and came to a creeping crawl – the pounding bass of the music now fading. The window slyly rolled down, and OG Jay poked his head out, “Ey youngblood! You Jamaal, right?”

Jamaal stopped, turned around. The car came to a halt.

“You deaf, boy?” You Jamaal, right?” OG Jay asked again.

Jamaal looked deep into his OG Jay’s eyes. Never had he been this close to him. He had heard stories, had even seen him down the block, always hanging on the corner by Mr. Kim’s liquor store, but he had never been this close – face to face. He tried to speak, nothing came out, and once enough courage could be mustered, stuttered, “Y-yea.”

“Yeah, I thought so. I seen you grown on up, boy. I knew your older brother Mike. He was my homeboy, a real soldier, y’know. Rest in peace. Anyways, you know who I am, boy?”

In the same flustered response, “Y-yea.”

OG Jay laughed, “Aha, one of dem quiet mothafuckas. They the deadliest. I like you, Jamaal. Therefore you’re gonna stick with me, by my side, be my right-hand man. And most of all, you will fear me, you will respect me, and I’ll take you places.”

Jamaal entered the rear door, and the windows rolled up. With that, the last fleeting moments of innocence were lost from his eyes as the tinted windows concealed them. (BBI)