Old Testament

1 Samuel 16:7

So a special request from J.B. Becker for this verse. (Was supposed to be last post, but I typed in the wrong verse. Woops!)

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. (KJV)

But the Lord said unto Sammi, “I mean, don’t even worry about. You shouldn’t even like look at his face or his height…or his crooked teeth, red hair, weird mole, strange haircut, hairy chest, crusty fingernails, or acne-filled face. I mean, just give him a chance, Sammi. Just because I laughed in his face when he confessed his feelings for me and asked me out doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least go out on a date with him. You’re in a totally different league than me, know what I mean? Like you should go for him. Like totally. I mean you can’t like really like do much better, right? Besides, he’s a nice guy.” (BBI)

 

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1 Samuel 1:7

This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. (KJV)

This went on year after year. This happened every time Hannah went up to the house of the Lord. Or at least that’s what that bitch Bridget told Hannah to call the Kappa Phi Delta House whenever she stepped onto to its hallowed grounds and tradition of sisterhood, friendship, and Walks of Shame.

It was rush season, Hannah was trying one more time. Bridget’s influence had kept Hannah from impressing her parents by getting into one of the most prestigious sororities in Northeast Idaho. Hannah tried to walk by Bridget and directly into the front doors of the Kappa house.

Bridget, without even looking her way, said, “Nope.”

“But I-”

“NOOOOOPEEEEE!!!” Bridget cut her off before she could finish.

“But Bridget! Please!”

“Not Bridget…”

“…Ok…Lord, may I please enter?”Bridget’s mouth couldn’t hold back a smirk, and Hannah walked in and sunk her head.

You can do this, Hannah. You are a lovely and brilliant young woman. Hannah told herself as she held back tears.

“Ew, oh my God, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. It looks like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.” The sorority girls burst out in laughter. Hannah burst into tears.

Meanwhile, Anthony Ray AKA Sir Mix-A-Lot was passing by, and he rushed home to write his only hit song. (BBI)

Leviticus 18:22

22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (KJV)

22 Ewww, guHroo0sss! Like a peener with another, ew! How does that even work?!
Wait, EW, YOU MEAN UP THE BUTTHOLE?! It’s…it’s like a brown snake then.

Girl-on-girl scissoring is pretty hot though. (BBI)

Bit late, but congratulations on marriage equality, my friends of whatever sexuality.

Psalms 37:11

11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. (KJV)

11 The meek shall have the whole world to themselves, mainly because the introverted are looked down upon in Western civilization and seen as weak, boring, and not cool. They will become social pariahs, leading to an abundance of peace (but perhaps not inner-peace due to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness). (BBI)

Psalms 37:7

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. (KJV)

Do not fret if the Lord leaves the house or is busy and goes off doing whatever he’s doing. Just wait. Because he’ll come back. Be patient, and you shall be rewarded. Besides you can just go on the Internet or play Candy Crush on your smartphone while you wait. (BBI)

Exodus 20:3

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (KJV)

In Exodus 20:3, God is giving his full permission for others to explore religion and find what works for them, or find what they truly believe in. This, however, is of course with a condition: you must be born a Christian, and then are able to freely explore and learn of other religions (or be an atheist before becoming Christian). As long as you find a god AFTER the Bible’s God, it is not a sin. The Word of the Lord. From the Big Man himself. (BBI)

Deuteronomy 8:6

Therefore thou shalt keep the commandments of the Lord thy God, to walk in his ways, and to fear him. (KJV)

The Cutlass Supreme slowly turned the corner and came to a creeping crawl – the pounding bass of the music now fading. The window slyly rolled down, and OG Jay poked his head out, “Ey youngblood! You Jamaal, right?”

Jamaal stopped, turned around. The car came to a halt.

“You deaf, boy?” You Jamaal, right?” OG Jay asked again.

Jamaal looked deep into his OG Jay’s eyes. Never had he been this close to him. He had heard stories, had even seen him down the block, always hanging on the corner by Mr. Kim’s liquor store, but he had never been this close – face to face. He tried to speak, nothing came out, and once enough courage could be mustered, stuttered, “Y-yea.”

“Yeah, I thought so. I seen you grown on up, boy. I knew your older brother Mike. He was my homeboy, a real soldier, y’know. Rest in peace. Anyways, you know who I am, boy?”

In the same flustered response, “Y-yea.”

OG Jay laughed, “Aha, one of dem quiet mothafuckas. They the deadliest. I like you, Jamaal. Therefore you’re gonna stick with me, by my side, be my right-hand man. And most of all, you will fear me, you will respect me, and I’ll take you places.”

Jamaal entered the rear door, and the windows rolled up. With that, the last fleeting moments of innocence were lost from his eyes as the tinted windows concealed them. (BBI)

 

Proverbs 20:9

Who can say, I have made my heart clean, I am pure from my sin? (KJV)

Those who can truly say that they have made their heart clean are pure from sin. I mean, I guess. Right? Eh, but then again, no one can really be perfect, so I guess that is a half-truth at best, and under certain contexts can be a sin for lying. Can anyone be free from sin? I mean aren’t we all “born into sin?” Thanks, Adam and Eve. Fucking human race traitors. Wait, shit! Wait, damn! ARGH. I mean. Excuse me. I must go to confession and absolve my sins, making me pure until I have one impure thought. But then again, I did have sexual relations out of wedlock, and I don’t think I really am truly sorry for that. 9/10, know what I mean? 😉 ugh we’re all going to Hell.(BBI)

Joel 2:26-30

26 And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. 27 And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the Lord your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed. 28 And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions: 29 And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit. 30 And I will shew wonders in the heavens and in the earth, blood, and fire, and pillars of smoke. (KJV)

26 And all my people shall eat plenty! Michael Phelps-proportion meals! You shall eat, and eat, and eat, and all be satisfied. After eating, you shall praise my name – before and after your meals! “Goddamn, that was fuckin’ delicious!” And all my fat, obese people shall never be ashamed! 27 And ye shall praise my name, and I shall slay those who persecute you for your lifestyle. McDonalds, ramen, all-you-can-eat buffets! Fuck them. I’m fat and I’m proud. 28 And it is foretold: I will continue to spread my gift and freedom of obesity to all peoples (especially Americans). The vicious cycle of constant unhealthy diet and lifestyle shall overcome, and you will know I am your God. Your old men will dream of Big Macs, your young men will hallucinate from the additives put into the cow meat of the beef industry. 29 And, don’t worry, I shall especially affect the poorer and the homeless, as they have less access to quality foods and healthcare. 30 And I shall mesmerize you with the wonders of “heavenly” blood and fire known as hog roasting and applewood smoked bacon.  (BBI)