faith

Deuteronomy 6:5-7

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. (KJV)

Love me. With all your heart, soul, blah blah, you know. Just love me! LOVE ME! I’m so needy for attention. This isn’t even a choice. LOVE ME!! And I shall ingrain this feeling deep into your heart so you never forget! And you’ll speak about me to your children and your children’s children – when you’re in your home, when you’re walking, when you’re lying down, and when you get up. BYAHH! ALL. BECAUSE. YOU. LOVE. ME. (BBI)

Jeez, insecure much?

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Mark 2:15-17

15 While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. 16 When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (NIV)

15 Jesus and his disciples went to eat dinner at Levi’s house with numerous tax collectors and sinners. 16 The Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors and asked his disciples, “Ew, why does he eat with those lowly tax collectors and sinners?”

17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

“God, what a pretentious dick,” the Pharisee muttered as he walked along. (BBI)

Joel 2:12-14

12 “Even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
    with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

13 Rend your heart
    and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
    and he relents from sending calamity.
14 Who knows? He may turn and relent
    and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
    for the Lord your God. (NIV)

12 The Lord proclaimed from the sky,
    “Return to me with all your heart,
    by not eating food, crying, and devastation.

13 Give up your heart, your literal heart, up to me.
    Pull it directly out of your chest, but don’t take off your garments,
    for you know I get squeamish about nudity.
Return to the Lord, your God,
    for He is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger, despite drowning the entire world once,
abounding in love, 
and he relents from sending calamity.
He also is the humblest to ever exist,
extremely good looking, and godlike in the sack.
14 Return to the Lord! Who knows?
He may turn 
and leave behind a blessing—
if you give up offerings of grain and drink
    to the Lord your God. (BBI)

Luke 24:1-12

Jesus Has Risen (Easter Sunday, a couple days late. So what, sue me.)

1 On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”Then they remembered his words.

When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. 11 But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. 12 Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened. (NIV)

Jesus Undead

It was early on Sunday. The morning mist clouded the atmosphere as the women walked on the lonesome dirt path. They had prepared spices for Jesus’ dead body, because everybody knows that dead people love dry spices by itself.

When they arrived at Jesus’ tomb, the stone had been rolled to the side. With no one around, the women approached the tomb cautiously and entered. Mary Magdalene screamed in horror, as Jesus’ body was no longer there. They all stood there in silence and looked at each other.

All of a sudden, a great white light flooded the tomb, blinding and enveloping the women in its bright light. The women bowed down in fear as two angels, or men with a lot of fireworks, appeared before them and said, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here. He has risen! Remember when he referred to himself in the third person and said, ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified, and on the third day be raised again?'”

“You’re right. That was oddly specific,” said Mother Mary.

When the women came back from the tomb, they told Eleven from Stranger Things and everyone else about Jesus’ empty tomb. But the disciples did not believe the women, “Are you high right now? You’re being woman-like and not making sense even though we’re talking about the alleged Man-God who is part human and part supernatural.”

Without saying a word, Peter suddenly rose up from his chair and sprinted off towards the tomb. Peter found the empty tomb and Jesus’ torn linens. Peter looked dramatically at the sunset as he grasped the bloodied linen, “Oh God, he’s back.”

Then zombie Jesus ate everyone’s brains because that’s what zombies do. The end. (BBI)

Matthew 9:2

And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. (KJV)

2 Jesus’s disciples brought back a man sick with palsy. The man could barely move his body and was paralyzed from the waist down. But the man remained in good spirits and showed tremendous faith in the Lord.

So Jesus said unto him, “Son, be of good cheer, your sins have been forgiven.”

“But what about my legs? How is forgiving my sins going to heal my legs?”

“Relax, my child. My healing powers are rooted in Christian science and 9 out of 10 doctors say that the healing of sins is the same as healing the physical body. Now walk.”

So at his command, the crippled man mustered all of his strength and edged his body to the edge of the bed. For the first time in 15 years, the man would be finally be able to walk again. He sat up in the bed and with the help of

“Go, my son,” Jesus said.

The man took his first step. He fell. (BBI)

A friendly message to go to your doctor’s office for serious injuries and medical conditions and not simply “pray on it.”

1 Timothy 1:8-9

But we know that the law is good, if a man use it lawfully; Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers (KJV)

8 The law is good when used lawfully, based on the laws. 9  Knowing this, the law is not made for the law-abiding, but the lawless. (BBI)

Genesis 16:2-9

The Story of Hagar, Abram & Sarai’s Maid

And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. (KJV)

Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has made me barren. Go impregnate our slave girl so we may take the child as our own.”
“But isn’t that rape? Shouldn’t we at least ask if she wants to be a surrogate for us? This seems kinda unethical, Sa–”
“WHO CARES? DO I LOOK CRAZY?! JUST PENETRATE HER WITH YOUR PENIS!” And he complied.
So Sarai took Hagar, her Egyptian slave, and made her strip and gave her to Abram. Abram sighed and unwillingly had loud, sweaty intercourse multiple times with Hagar for three full days (Fun fact: Three is a biblical number). Once Hagar conceived, she looked down on Sarai. Sarai, sensing this hostility, told Abram that she had made a mistake in allowing Hagar to be taken by Abram.

Abram replied like the dirty savage he is, “She’s your slave. Do whatever you want with that hoe.” And when Sarai beat Hagar, Hagar fled.
The angel of the Lord was I guess just strolling the countryside and found Hagar by the fountain on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where’d you come from? Where will you go?”
Hagar said, “I fled from Sarai because she beat me.” The angel of the Lord saw the pitiful shape Hagar was in – crying, bruised, and disheveled. Then the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and continually get mistreated as a human being, being constantly beaten and raped in order to produce not even your own children.” (BBI)

John 2:3-10

The story of Jesus Changing Water into Wine

When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” (NIV)

The wine was gone. Jesus’ mother, Mary, got up from her resting spot and stumbled around. “JESUS MICHAEL CHRIST!” she yelled.
“Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied to his mother in a tone that I guess was acceptable at the time. “My hour has not yet come.”
5 Mary began laughing loudly and obnoxiously as she stood in the middle of the room. Everyone stopped to stare. Tripping over her feet and slurring over her words, Mary went up to the servants and said, “Do whatever he tells you.” She then leaned into one of the manservants, placing her hands on his chest and giggling. She cupped her hands and whispered in his ear, “And you…you do whatever I tell you to.” She winked as she walked away, leaving the servant shocked at the aggressive sexual advance by Jesus’ mother.

Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
“Oh my God, Jesus. Look, look.” She pointed at the stone jars. Jesus came over to inspect. “And they’re so clean. YAAS queen!”
Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
“JESUS! JESUS!” Mary cackled from across the room.
Frustrated again, Jesus replied, “What, woman? I’m going as fast as I can.”
“Oh, well nevermind then. Don’t mind me. Just your mother,” Mary quickly retreated.

Jesus then told the servants, “Sorry. Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the liquid formerly known as water. The master did not realize where it had come from 10 and said, “DAMNNN, SON OF GOD! You turned water into Hennessey?!” (BBI)

Exodus 3:1-6

The Story of Moses and the Burning Bush

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb,the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.”
When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “Here I am.”
“Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” Then he said, “I am the God of your father,[a] the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. (NIV)

Moses was tending to his father-in-law’s flock. He led the grazing sheep to the far side of the forest to Horeb, the mountain of God, near where the special plant grew. Suddenly, a heavy earthy smell surrounded him and his body began to tingle. A hallucination of an angel appeared to Moses from the flames of fire from a distant bush. “What is this strange sight, this familiar smell?”
The Lord, sitting in thirty pounds of marijuana, saw that Moses was now approaching the “bush.” God freaking out, called to him, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “I’m right here, Dude.”
“Hey man, hey man, can you like not come any closer?” God said. “Take off your sandals, man! Put on some socks! They’re onto us!”
“God, what are you–”
“Shh…the government’s stealing our electric brain signals through the floor!

Moses gave God a look of deep concern.
The Lord noticed this and boomed, “Do not question me! I am the God of your father,[a] the God of Abraham…oh man, I’m high as fuck.” At this, Moses hid his face in embarrassment, ashamed to look at God. (BBI)

Happy 420, y’all. Don’t have a bad trip.