gluttony

Joel 2:26-30

26 And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. 27 And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the Lord your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed. 28 And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions: 29 And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit. 30 And I will shew wonders in the heavens and in the earth, blood, and fire, and pillars of smoke. (KJV)

26 And all my people shall eat plenty! Michael Phelps-proportion meals! You shall eat, and eat, and eat, and all be satisfied. After eating, you shall praise my name – before and after your meals! “Goddamn, that was fuckin’ delicious!” And all my fat, obese people shall never be ashamed! 27 And ye shall praise my name, and I shall slay those who persecute you for your lifestyle. McDonalds, ramen, all-you-can-eat buffets! Fuck them. I’m fat and I’m proud. 28 And it is foretold: I will continue to spread my gift and freedom of obesity to all peoples (especially Americans). The vicious cycle of constant unhealthy diet and lifestyle shall overcome, and you will know I am your God. Your old men will dream of Big Macs, your young men will hallucinate from the additives put into the cow meat of the beef industry. 29 And, don’t worry, I shall especially affect the poorer and the homeless, as they have less access to quality foods and healthcare. 30 And I shall mesmerize you with the wonders of “heavenly” blood and fire known as hog roasting and applewood smoked bacon.  (BBI)

Malachi 3:10-12

10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. 11 And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts. 12 And all nations shall call you blessed: for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the Lord of hosts. (KJV)

10 Give me all your meats – steak, fried chicken, pork chops, mmm, all for me. And I say for thou shalt be praised by me and not smitten if thou giveth all your delicious carnivorous treats. 11 And if anyone tries to even touch my food, I shall smite them with a swift kick in the groin. I’ll spare your asses and only punish he who tries to eat my food, unlike my typical cruel self. But the food you give me better be grade A meat or ripe and organic. None of that processed, MSG, fake ass additive bullshit, so I say. 12 And I’ll even give you the false hope and promise that you will be famous and recognized for feeding my fat ass, says I, your Lord and supreme commander. (BBI)

No, God doesn’t care if gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins. He’s GOD.