jesus

Matthew 2:11

The Story of the Three Magi

11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. (KJV)

11 They arrived at the house after a long week’s travel, and, upon seeing the baby Jesus and his mother Mary, they collapsed at the feet of the infant Savior and worshipped him. Young Mother Mary smiled pleasantly and thanked them for the kind gesture.

“No, the honor is all ours,” one of the magi said. “Please, let us show our gratitude.” And all at the same time, each magi brought a wrapped gift out from under their robes.

The first magi unwrapped his gift and presented it to Jesus and Mary. “Here is my humble gift of gold, straight from the neck of ‘Lil Jon himself.”

The other two magi looked at each other. After a long pause, the second magi finally exclaimed, “HUMBLE?! Way to one up us, dude!” The third magi jumped in, “Yeah, what the fuck, man. You’re making us look like some cheapskates! Besides I thought we agreed to a $20 limit?”

The first magi defended himself, “Sorry, sorry, I forgot, geez! Just show yours.” The second magi then grabbed his gift apathetically and sighed as he opened the wrapping, revealing frankincense.

There was another pause, then everyone in the room except the second magi burst into laughter. “Frankincense?! Perfume?!? HAHA. Is the baby trying to get laid? HAHA!!”

The second magi erupted from his seat and shouted, “HEY, WHY DOES PERFUME GOT TO BE GENDER-SPECIFIC, HUH? YOU SEXISTS! YEAH, CHECK YOURSELF!” Everyone stopped laughing immediately and anxiously looked at each other.

“Okay then…” the third magi broke the tense silence, “So, the final gift.” He unwrapped the cloth, and everyone huddled around to see.

“Myrrh? Wait, isn’t that used for embalming dead bodies?”

“Yeah,” the third magi responded.

“That’s really dark, dude.”

“What? It’s like 1 B.C. Lots of infants die from complications! I was just being thoughtful!” (BBI)

Genesis 39:7-9

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? (KJV)

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, “Fuck me.” She threw off her bathrobe while in the archway to Joseph’s room and she began to caress her supple breasts. 

But he refused, and said, “Nah bruh, bro code. I can’t just betray your husband’s trust like that. I’m a man of integrity, a man of principle. He’s been only good to me, how could I do such a wicked thing and go against him?”

“I’ll let you put it in my butt.” And Joseph quickly arose from the bed ready to smash dat @$$. (BBI)

Old Testament’s got some weird stories, huh? Sorry for the hiatus, my flock. #BibleFanFiction

Matthew 6:22

22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. (KJV)

22 If you remove one of your eyes in a bloody, gouging mess your body shall be filled with the light of God. Tear that little white eyeball from the eye socket in the name of God! #Jesus (BBI)

Matthew 15:11

11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man. (KJV)

11 The blonde-headed broad looked up from the inner thighs of Jesus and stopped fellating the Lord.

“What’s wrong, my child?” Jesus asked.
“Isn’t this like wrong, Jesus? In Sunday School, they told me sexual acts before marriage are wrong and…”
“Shh, shh…It is not what goes in thy mouth, but what comes out that defiles one’s soul. Don’t stop and make sure to swallow.”He proclaimed as he slowly led her head back to his gooch. (BBI)

#EroticBibleFiction

Mark 1:16-18

16 Now as he walked by the sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and Andrew his brother casting a net into the sea: for they were fishers. 17 And Jesus said unto them, Come ye after me, and I will make you to become fishers of men. 18 And straightway they forsook their nets, and followed him. (KJV)

16 Jesus walked by the Sea of Galilee and saw Simon and Andrew casting a net into the sea and pulling out fish. ‘Ah, they must be fishers,’ Jesus miraculously deduced from no obvious clues at all. 17 Jesus walked over to them in the golden aura he imagined. Doves flying. Lasers. Mist. Hip-hop airhorns. He spread his arms in dramatic fashion and said, “Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men. 18 Simon and Andrew looked up from their hard day’s work and looked toward the shore. Simon asked, “Who’s this New Age hippie in his white robes and sandals?”

“More than that, what the hell does he mean by fishers of men?” Andrew inquired.

“I don’t know. Let’s go check it out.” And Simon and Andrew left their nets and followed him. Leading to a lucrative life of human trafficking. (BBI)

1 Samuel 1:7

This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. (KJV)

This went on year after year. This happened every time Hannah went up to the house of the Lord. Or at least that’s what that bitch Bridget told Hannah to call the Kappa Phi Delta House whenever she stepped onto to its hallowed grounds and tradition of sisterhood, friendship, and Walks of Shame.

It was rush season, Hannah was trying one more time. Bridget’s influence had kept Hannah from impressing her parents by getting into one of the most prestigious sororities in Northeast Idaho. Hannah tried to walk by Bridget and directly into the front doors of the Kappa house.

Bridget, without even looking her way, said, “Nope.”

“But I-”

“NOOOOOPEEEEE!!!” Bridget cut her off before she could finish.

“But Bridget! Please!”

“Not Bridget…”

“…Ok…Lord, may I please enter?”Bridget’s mouth couldn’t hold back a smirk, and Hannah walked in and sunk her head.

You can do this, Hannah. You are a lovely and brilliant young woman. Hannah told herself as she held back tears.

“Ew, oh my God, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. It looks like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.” The sorority girls burst out in laughter. Hannah burst into tears.

Meanwhile, Anthony Ray AKA Sir Mix-A-Lot was passing by, and he rushed home to write his only hit song. (BBI)

Matthew 5:43-44

43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you (KJV)

43 Like you’ve already heard: Love ya homies, fuck the enemies. 44 But check this out: Love your haters. Because the haters always be trippin’ over your success and bring even more your way. So love your haters. Because the haters keep talkin’ and you keep walkin’. And you best pray for them, ‘cuz they need it way more than you do. Hate the playa, not the game. You do you, boo, HOLLA! (BBI)

Matthew 25:35-36

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: 36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. (KJV)

Jesus (to his mother): 35 Mom, I’m so thankful for you. I was hungry, and you fed me. Thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you still cared for me. 36 I was naked, and you clothed me. Sick, and you took care of me. I was in prison…

Mom: PRISON?! Jesus Michael Christ, when were you in prison?! You know that kind of stuff stays on your record, you know? How are you going to find a job now? You’re already a vagrant that goes about in your sandals everywhere with your buddies. So what was it, Jesus Michael? Turning water into wine and drinking in public again? Your marijuana (but with a pronounced “j”)? Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what to do with you anymore. (BBI)

1 Corinthians 13:11

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (KJV)

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child (which makes sense since you were a child. Like seriously, it doesn’t take a frickin’ genius to make this easy connection that if you’re a child, you probably act and live your experiences as a child.) When I became a man, I put away all the happiness in my life. Video games? Gone. Playtime? Gone. Taxes? Yes. Mortgage? Yes. I lost my whimsy and joy in the little things and got obsessed with trying to prove myself and keep moving up into upper management at my boring, cubicle-enclosed career. But hey, 401k matching. I’ll be able to retire at 60. Maybe. Social Security is failing. (BBI)

Matthew 1:20

20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. (KJV)

20 My dude, Joseph! Dude, dude, I’m telling you, there’s this hot ass babe, Mary. You should totally get with her man. Man, just don’t be afraid, dude. You got it. I know her through that other chick. You know, Mary Magdalene? That girl is a freak. But dude, Magdalene is friends with the other Mary. She’s like the girl-next-door type – super cute, innocent – but apparently she’s kinda into you, dude. Virgin too. Hell yeah, man. Get on that and put the Holy Ghost in her, if you know what I mean 😉 (BBI)