new testament

John 2:3-10

The story of Jesus Changing Water into Wine

3 When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” 4 “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” 5 His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” 6 Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. 7 Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. 8 Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, 9 and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” (NIV)

3 The wine was gone. Jesus’ mother, Mary, got up from her resting spot and stumbled around. “JESUS MICHAEL CHRIST!” she yelled.
4 “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied to his mother in a tone that I guess was acceptable at the time. “My hour has not yet come.”
5 Mary began laughing loudly and obnoxiously as she stood in the middle of the room. Everyone stopped to stare. Tripping over her feet and slurring over her words, Mary went up to the servants and said, “Do whatever he tells you.” She then leaned into one of the manservants, placing her hands on his chest and giggling. She cupped her hands and whispered in his ear, “And you…you do whatever I tell you to.” She winked as she walked away, leaving the servant shocked at the aggressive sexual advance by Jesus’ mother.

6 Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
“Oh my God, Jesus. Look, look.” She pointed at the stone jars. Jesus came over to inspect. “And they’re so clean. YAAS queen!”
7 Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
8 “JESUS! JESUS!” Mary cackled from across the room.
Frustrated again, Jesus replied, “What, woman? I’m going as fast as I can.”
“Oh, well nevermind then. Don’t mind me. Just your mother,” Mary quickly retreated.

Jesus then told the servants, “Sorry. Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, 9 and the master of the banquet tasted the liquid formerly known as water. The master did not realize where it had come from 10 and said, “DAMNNN, SON OF GOD! You turned water into Hennessey?!” (BBI)

Mark 10:13-16

13 And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them. (KJV)

13 People brought young children to Jesus, so that he could touch them. The disciples were appalled and scolded that brought the young flesh to Jesus: “What are you doing?! Do not bring children to be touched by the Lord!” 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was disappointed and said unto them, “Let me touch the children. Do not let the children suffer, for it is God’s Will for me to touch these pure children, and they shall experience the Kingdom of God.”  15 I say unto you, “Any child who does not “receive” the “Kingdom of God” shall not penetrate, I mean, enter heaven.” 16 The others looked suspiciously as Jesus continued to use air quotes for peculiar words. Then Jesus took the children that were brought to him and touched them in front of everyone. (BBI)

Matthew 2:11

The Story of the Three Magi

11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. (KJV)

11 They arrived at the house after a long week’s travel, and, upon seeing the baby Jesus and his mother Mary, they collapsed at the feet of the infant Savior and worshipped him. Young Mother Mary smiled pleasantly and thanked them for the kind gesture.

“No, the honor is all ours,” one of the magi said. “Please, let us show our gratitude.” And all at the same time, each magi brought a wrapped gift out from under their robes.

The first magi unwrapped his gift and presented it to Jesus and Mary. “Here is my humble gift of gold, straight from the neck of ‘Lil Jon himself.”

The other two magi looked at each other. After a long pause, the second magi finally exclaimed, “HUMBLE?! Way to one up us, dude!” The third magi jumped in, “Yeah, what the fuck, man. You’re making us look like some cheapskates! Besides I thought we agreed to a $20 limit?”

The first magi defended himself, “Sorry, sorry, I forgot, geez! Just show yours.” The second magi then grabbed his gift apathetically and sighed as he opened the wrapping, revealing frankincense.

There was another pause, then everyone in the room except the second magi burst into laughter. “Frankincense?! Perfume?!? HAHA. Is the baby trying to get laid? HAHA!!”

The second magi erupted from his seat and shouted, “HEY, WHY DOES PERFUME GOT TO BE GENDER-SPECIFIC, HUH? YOU SEXISTS! YEAH, CHECK YOURSELF!” Everyone stopped laughing immediately and anxiously looked at each other.

“Okay then…” the third magi broke the tense silence, “So, the final gift.” He unwrapped the cloth, and everyone huddled around to see.

“Myrrh? Wait, isn’t that used for embalming dead bodies?”

“Yeah,” the third magi responded.

“That’s really dark, dude.”

“What? It’s like 1 B.C. Lots of infants die from complications! I was just being thoughtful!” (BBI)

Matthew 6:22

22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. (KJV)

22 If you remove one of your eyes in a bloody, gouging mess your body shall be filled with the light of God. Tear that little white eyeball from the eye socket in the name of God! #Jesus (BBI)

Matthew 15:11

11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man. (KJV)

11 The blonde-headed broad looked up from the inner thighs of Jesus and stopped fellating the Lord.

“What’s wrong, my child?” Jesus asked.
“Isn’t this like wrong, Jesus? In Sunday School, they told me sexual acts before marriage are wrong and…”
“Shh, shh…It is not what goes in thy mouth, but what comes out that defiles one’s soul. Don’t stop and make sure to swallow.”He proclaimed as he slowly led her head back to his gooch. (BBI)

#EroticBibleFiction

Mark 1:16-18

16 Now as he walked by the sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and Andrew his brother casting a net into the sea: for they were fishers. 17 And Jesus said unto them, Come ye after me, and I will make you to become fishers of men. 18 And straightway they forsook their nets, and followed him. (KJV)

16 Jesus walked by the Sea of Galilee and saw Simon and Andrew casting a net into the sea and pulling out fish. ‘Ah, they must be fishers,’ Jesus miraculously deduced from no obvious clues at all. 17 Jesus walked over to them in the golden aura he imagined. Doves flying. Lasers. Mist. Hip-hop airhorns. He spread his arms in dramatic fashion and said, “Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men. 18 Simon and Andrew looked up from their hard day’s work and looked toward the shore. Simon asked, “Who’s this New Age hippie in his white robes and sandals?”

“More than that, what the hell does he mean by fishers of men?” Andrew inquired.

“I don’t know. Let’s go check it out.” And Simon and Andrew left their nets and followed him. Leading to a lucrative life of human trafficking. (BBI)

Matthew 5:43-44

43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you (KJV)

43 Like you’ve already heard: Love ya homies, fuck the enemies. 44 But check this out: Love your haters. Because the haters always be trippin’ over your success and bring even more your way. So love your haters. Because the haters keep talkin’ and you keep walkin’. And you best pray for them, ‘cuz they need it way more than you do. Hate the playa, not the game. You do you, boo, HOLLA! (BBI)

Matthew 25:35-36

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: 36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. (KJV)

Jesus (to his mother): 35 Mom, I’m so thankful for you. I was hungry, and you fed me. Thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you still cared for me. 36 I was naked, and you clothed me. Sick, and you took care of me. I was in prison…

Mom: PRISON?! Jesus Michael Christ, when were you in prison?! You know that kind of stuff stays on your record, you know? How are you going to find a job now? You’re already a vagrant that goes about in your sandals everywhere with your buddies. So what was it, Jesus Michael? Turning water into wine and drinking in public again? Your marijuana (but with a pronounced “j”)? Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what to do with you anymore. (BBI)

1 Corinthians 13:11

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (KJV)

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child (which makes sense since you were a child. Like seriously, it doesn’t take a frickin’ genius to make this easy connection that if you’re a child, you probably act and live your experiences as a child.) When I became a man, I put away all the happiness in my life. Video games? Gone. Playtime? Gone. Taxes? Yes. Mortgage? Yes. I lost my whimsy and joy in the little things and got obsessed with trying to prove myself and keep moving up into upper management at my boring, cubicle-enclosed career. But hey, 401k matching. I’ll be able to retire at 60. Maybe. Social Security is failing. (BBI)

Matthew 1:20

20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. (KJV)

20 My dude, Joseph! Dude, dude, I’m telling you, there’s this hot ass babe, Mary. You should totally get with her man. Man, just don’t be afraid, dude. You got it. I know her through that other chick. You know, Mary Magdalene? That girl is a freak. But dude, Magdalene is friends with the other Mary. She’s like the girl-next-door type – super cute, innocent – but apparently she’s kinda into you, dude. Virgin too. Hell yeah, man. Get on that and put the Holy Ghost in her, if you know what I mean 😉 (BBI)