old testament

Genesis 16:2-9

The Story of Hagar, Abram & Sarai’s Maid

And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. (KJV)

Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has made me barren. Go impregnate our slave girl so we may take the child as our own.”
“But isn’t that rape? Shouldn’t we at least ask if she wants to be a surrogate for us? This seems kinda unethical, Sa–”
“WHO CARES? DO I LOOK CRAZY?! JUST PENETRATE HER WITH YOUR PENIS!” And he complied.
So Sarai took Hagar, her Egyptian slave, and made her strip and gave her to Abram. Abram sighed and unwillingly had loud, sweaty intercourse multiple times with Hagar for three full days (Fun fact: Three is a biblical number). Once Hagar conceived, she looked down on Sarai. Sarai, sensing this hostility, told Abram that she had made a mistake in allowing Hagar to be taken by Abram.

Abram replied like the dirty savage he is, “She’s your slave. Do whatever you want with that hoe.” And when Sarai beat Hagar, Hagar fled.
The angel of the Lord was I guess just strolling the countryside and found Hagar by the fountain on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where’d you come from? Where will you go?”
Hagar said, “I fled from Sarai because she beat me.” The angel of the Lord saw the pitiful shape Hagar was in – crying, bruised, and disheveled. Then the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and continually get mistreated as a human being, being constantly beaten and raped in order to produce not even your own children.” (BBI)

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John 2:3-10

The story of Jesus Changing Water into Wine

When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” (NIV)

The wine was gone. Jesus’ mother, Mary, got up from her resting spot and stumbled around. “JESUS MICHAEL CHRIST!” she yelled.
“Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied to his mother in a tone that I guess was acceptable at the time. “My hour has not yet come.”
5 Mary began laughing loudly and obnoxiously as she stood in the middle of the room. Everyone stopped to stare. Tripping over her feet and slurring over her words, Mary went up to the servants and said, “Do whatever he tells you.” She then leaned into one of the manservants, placing her hands on his chest and giggling. She cupped her hands and whispered in his ear, “And you…you do whatever I tell you to.” She winked as she walked away, leaving the servant shocked at the aggressive sexual advance by Jesus’ mother.

Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
“Oh my God, Jesus. Look, look.” She pointed at the stone jars. Jesus came over to inspect. “And they’re so clean. YAAS queen!”
Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
“JESUS! JESUS!” Mary cackled from across the room.
Frustrated again, Jesus replied, “What, woman? I’m going as fast as I can.”
“Oh, well nevermind then. Don’t mind me. Just your mother,” Mary quickly retreated.

Jesus then told the servants, “Sorry. Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the liquid formerly known as water. The master did not realize where it had come from 10 and said, “DAMNNN, SON OF GOD! You turned water into Hennessey?!” (BBI)

Exodus 3:1-6

The Story of Moses and the Burning Bush

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb,the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.”
When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “Here I am.”
“Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” Then he said, “I am the God of your father,[a] the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. (NIV)

Moses was tending to his father-in-law’s flock. He led the grazing sheep to the far side of the forest to Horeb, the mountain of God, near where the special plant grew. Suddenly, a heavy earthy smell surrounded him and his body began to tingle. A hallucination of an angel appeared to Moses from the flames of fire from a distant bush. “What is this strange sight, this familiar smell?”
The Lord, sitting in thirty pounds of marijuana, saw that Moses was now approaching the “bush.” God freaking out, called to him, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “I’m right here, Dude.”
“Hey man, hey man, can you like not come any closer?” God said. “Take off your sandals, man! Put on some socks! They’re onto us!”
“God, what are you–”
“Shh…the government’s stealing our electric brain signals through the floor!

Moses gave God a look of deep concern.
The Lord noticed this and boomed, “Do not question me! I am the God of your father,[a] the God of Abraham…oh man, I’m high as fuck.” At this, Moses hid his face in embarrassment, ashamed to look at God. (BBI)

Happy 420, y’all. Don’t have a bad trip.

Genesis 19:30-36

30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. (KJV)

30 Lot and his two daughters went up to Zoar and settled in a cave in the mountains. Soon, Lot grew depressed and withdrew from the world. 31 The older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there are no men who will have sex with us. Yes, this is a weird transition of two seemingly separate topics that should never be immediately talked about back to back, but listen. 32 Let us make our father drink wine, and essentially rape him so we can carry on his seed.”

33 And they made their father drink wine that night, and the oldest went in and “lay” with her father. He was not aware of what what was happening, similar to the victims of Bill Cosby (allegedly). 34 The next morning, the oldest said to the youngest, “I had sex with our father. Let us make him lose consciousness again tonight and perform incest to preserve our bloodline. You know, for the good!”

35 And they drugged their father again. This time, the youngest went and took advantage of his non-consenting mind. 36 Both of Lot’s daughter carried his seed, and somehow God was cool with it. (BBI)

So, God approves of rape and incest. Go forth and multiply!

Proverbs 27:15-16

15 A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping
    of a leaky roof in a rainstorm;
16 restraining her is like restraining the wind
    or grasping oil with the hand. (NIV)

DAMNNN!!! Hope you all enjoyed International Women’s Day, because the Bible is telling y’all to behave.  “Quarrelsome wives” are annoying and it’s impossible to stop them. Goddamn that’s some ill shit though. But to defend my non-misogyny, I leave you with…

“Well-behaved women seldom make history.”
– Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

 

Isaiah 43:15-16

15 I am the Lord, your Holy One, the creator of Israel, your King. 16 Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters; (KJV)

15 “I’m the one you can call your Lord, the Holy One. You can call me the Grandmaster of Earth, Lord of the Universe, God of all that mothafuckin’ exists. I am the creator of Israel, I own you. Brrrat Brrrrat! They call me the Don, the G, nah, the OG. I am the first, the Alpha AND the Omega. Untouchable, call me MC Hammer. I’m too fly, I’m too high, I’m in the air like a G6. Like the clouds. I’m out of this atmosphere. I’m even past your comprehension. I’m non-physical, but I can knock yo’ ass out!” 16 Bragged God to the two children who were praying to him in hopes of saving their father dying from cancer.

Genesis 39:7-9

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? (KJV)

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, “Fuck me.” She threw off her bathrobe while in the archway to Joseph’s room and she began to caress her supple breasts. 

But he refused, and said, “Nah bruh, bro code. I can’t just betray your husband’s trust like that. I’m a man of integrity, a man of principle. He’s been only good to me, how could I do such a wicked thing and go against him?”

“I’ll let you put it in my butt.” And Joseph quickly arose from the bed ready to smash dat @$$. (BBI)

Old Testament’s got some weird stories, huh? Sorry for the hiatus, my flock. #BibleFanFiction

1 Samuel 16:7

So a special request from J.B. Becker for this verse. (Was supposed to be last post, but I typed in the wrong verse. Woops!)

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. (KJV)

But the Lord said unto Sammi, “I mean, don’t even worry about. You shouldn’t even like look at his face or his height…or his crooked teeth, red hair, weird mole, strange haircut, hairy chest, crusty fingernails, or acne-filled face. I mean, just give him a chance, Sammi. Just because I laughed in his face when he confessed his feelings for me and asked me out doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least go out on a date with him. You’re in a totally different league than me, know what I mean? Like you should go for him. Like totally. I mean you can’t like really like do much better, right? Besides, he’s a nice guy.” (BBI)

 

1 Samuel 1:7

This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. (KJV)

This went on year after year. This happened every time Hannah went up to the house of the Lord. Or at least that’s what that bitch Bridget told Hannah to call the Kappa Phi Delta House whenever she stepped onto to its hallowed grounds and tradition of sisterhood, friendship, and Walks of Shame.

It was rush season, Hannah was trying one more time. Bridget’s influence had kept Hannah from impressing her parents by getting into one of the most prestigious sororities in Northeast Idaho. Hannah tried to walk by Bridget and directly into the front doors of the Kappa house.

Bridget, without even looking her way, said, “Nope.”

“But I-”

“NOOOOOPEEEEE!!!” Bridget cut her off before she could finish.

“But Bridget! Please!”

“Not Bridget…”

“…Ok…Lord, may I please enter?”Bridget’s mouth couldn’t hold back a smirk, and Hannah walked in and sunk her head.

You can do this, Hannah. You are a lovely and brilliant young woman. Hannah told herself as she held back tears.

“Ew, oh my God, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. It looks like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.” The sorority girls burst out in laughter. Hannah burst into tears.

Meanwhile, Anthony Ray AKA Sir Mix-A-Lot was passing by, and he rushed home to write his only hit song. (BBI)