22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (KJV)
22 Ewww, guHroo0sss! Like a peener with another, ew! How does that even work?!
Wait, EW, YOU MEAN UP THE BUTTHOLE?! It’s…it’s like a brown snake then.
Girl-on-girl scissoring is pretty hot though. (BBI)
Bit late, but congratulations on marriage equality, my friends of whatever sexuality.
8 O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. (KJV)
Manipulative blowjob?
11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. (KJV)
11 The meek shall have the whole world to themselves, mainly because the introverted are looked down upon in Western civilization and seen as weak, boring, and not cool. They will become social pariahs, leading to an abundance of peace (but perhaps not inner-peace due to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness). (BBI)
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. (KJV)
7 Do not fret if the Lord leaves the house or is busy and goes off doing whatever he’s doing. Just wait. Because he’ll come back. Be patient, and you shall be rewarded. Besides you can just go on the Internet or play Candy Crush on your smartphone while you wait. (BBI)
3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (KJV)
In Exodus 20:3, God is giving his full permission for others to explore religion and find what works for them, or find what they truly believe in. This, however, is of course with a condition: you must be born a Christian, and then are able to freely explore and learn of other religions (or be an atheist before becoming Christian). As long as you find a god AFTER the Bible’s God, it is not a sin. The Word of the Lord. From the Big Man himself. (BBI)
9 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? 10 Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? 11 Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him 12 Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn? (KJV)
9 Will the unicorn be…wait, unicorn?! What the hell? Unicorn?! There are unicorns? Where are they, Biblical peoples? What’d you do with them?! You couldn’t think of us and let us see a fucking unicorn for once in our life? Y’all got greedy and tried to drink its blood to live forever? Is that how you guys lived to age 700 and shit like that? WTF.
Ahem. Anyways. I don’t even know what this is saying. Will the unicorn be willing to work for you or will it just chill at the crib?? (dafuq) 10 Will the unicorn sow the fields by itself or will it follow you and till the fields, following you. Wait, what?! They could be domesticated?! WHERE ARE OUR UNICORNS! DAMNIT MAN! WE WANT UNICORNS TOO!!! 11 It seems these unicorns were strong, both physically and in cognition. This is unfair. 12 RUN UNICORN!! BEAUTIFUL ASS CREATURE! DON’T LET THESE BIBLE PEOPLE USE YOU FOR LABOR! (BBI)
I really want to see a unicorn.
2 “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: 3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ (NIV)
2 The Lord, the one who created Earth is I, the Lord. I said it therefore it is, for I have claimed it. Therefore because I said that I created Earth, it is truth. I, the Lord, am the one true God. Where does it say that you ask? In the Bible. Who wrote the Bible? Oh, me. So lean on my Word of the Bible as the true teaching and 3 “Ask me, and I shall give you the answers to the things you do not know. For you have no other sources other than I. So you have no choice but to believe me. For my answers are the Truth, the Way, and the Life. Because you know, that’s in the Bible too. You can look it up – I’m completely trustworthy. It’s in the Bible.” (BBI)
114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word. (KJV)
114 I hide in the safety that I believe is my Lord and my religion because I cannot stand up for myself in the actual world. Instead of being proactive and dealing with my various issues, I hide behind my religion, using it as an excuse for any action, or lack thereof. In anything I do, or not do, I believe it is the fate of the Word, which I most likely misinterpret and misattribute, and my destiny itself. Rather than dealing with the issues, I let whatever happen and say it was in my ultimate plan by God. I let the world around me form my destiny rather than attempt to take it into my own hands. I have put my faith in your Word because I lack any faith in my own. #JesusTakeTheWheel (BBI)
Well, shit. That got a bit ranty and cynical. 10 Hail Marys, my child.
4 Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength (KJV)
4 *Ding-dong* Hello, we’d like to talk to you about the one true, Almighty God, Jehovah? *Door slams*(BBI)
Still have yet to get a knock on the door from a Jehovah’s Witness. Sigh.
9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? (KJV)
9 Is there really any such thing as love? The heart is a big fat liar. Perhaps evil even. Who could possibly understand the heart and “love.” And women…WOMEN! Not even I, the Lord, can! Hell, I had to knock up some 12 year-old Jewish virgin girl. (BBI)
Bad Bible Interpretations 