old testament

Jerimiah 17:5-6

5 Thus saith the Lord; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord6 For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh; but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land and not inhabited. (KJV)

God DAMNNN!!! No translation needed. That’s cold. One spiteful Motherfucker.

Psalms 138:8

8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever — do not abandon the works of your hands. (NIV)
8 The Lord fills me up. To the brim. Oh, his stamina is great, he can go on forever. And don’t forget what he can do with His hands. 😉 (BBI)
Ok, so I lied about the King James thing. Oh noesss, a sin. I guess I’ll have to update the “About” section soon.
Happy Gay Pride Parade Day? I guess that makes sense. Also, no idea what happened to the line spacing on this post.

Genesis 2:9

9 And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. (KJV)

9 And out of the ground the Lord God created marijuana, for it was good. Especially with food because it gives you this weird high where everything just seems to taste better – more velvety, more intricate texture, more flavor. For this tree had two strains: the “tree of life,” known as indica, and the “tree of knowledge,” known as sativa. (BBI)

Psalms 103:13

13 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. (KJV)

13 As a father shows compassion to his children, the Lord will show compassion to those who fear Him. Otherwise, He will beat your ass down to the ground until you know nothing but fear of Him. (BBI)

Happy Father’s Day! Yeah, late. Whatever. Sue me.

Malachi 3:10-12

10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. 11 And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts. 12 And all nations shall call you blessed: for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the Lord of hosts. (KJV)

10 Give me all your meats – steak, fried chicken, pork chops, mmm, all for me. And I say for thou shalt be praised by me and not smitten if thou giveth all your delicious carnivorous treats. 11 And if anyone tries to even touch my food, I shall smite them with a swift kick in the groin. I’ll spare your asses and only punish he who tries to eat my food, unlike my typical cruel self. But the food you give me better be grade A meat or ripe and organic. None of that processed, MSG, fake ass additive bullshit, so I say. 12 And I’ll even give you the false hope and promise that you will be famous and recognized for feeding my fat ass, says I, your Lord and supreme commander. (BBI)

No, God doesn’t care if gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins. He’s GOD.

Proverbs 24:16-17

16 For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief. 17 Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth. (KJV)

16 Don’t be a dick, man. Seriously. I’ll help you out if I like you, but please don’t be a fucking prick. I will ruin your life. I have that kind of power. 17 Don’t be happy if said dick gets into trouble or falters, be ECSTATIC! Like are you kidding me?! From this you will know that I’m the man (Man), and I exist. I work in mysterious ways, and I’ll get creative with how to fuck with you pricks. (BBI)

Proverbs 31:30

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. (KJV)

30 Trust no bitch! Y’all fake and you’re gonna get ugly with age. Fear me, bitches! Be submissive to me, and you won’t get beat. Maybe even get a compliment on dinner if it it’s not burned. (BBI)

Genesis 1:1-4

Let the sacrilege begin. I assume the story of Creation is appropriate as my first blog entry.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. (KJV)

God was bored one night. The world was blank, really not much to do. You couldn’t even go to a matinée showing of “Twilight” by yourself. Even though that’s pretty fucking sad if you do that for entertainment or even consider “Twilight” a good movie, though it is entertaining in how terrible the movie is in every sense – plot, production, acting. My God, strike that movie down! *Digression*

So God was bored. And he was playing with Legos. Or Play-Doh. Whatever resonates more with you. And he created heaven and earth. He then realized Earth was pretty shitty, especially compared to this Heaven we’ve all heard about. Clouds, harp music, eternal happiness, 72 virgins?! Oh wait, wrong religion? Why don’t we get any details on Heaven in this, hm? It’s all great and shit. “Oh, let me just make my crib poppin’.” Selfish mother-(shut yo mouth). Well…anyways. God realized he needed to spruce up Earth because he was going to bring his new pets, essentially his slaves, to this new planet. So he started his process. And God went to Earth and crossed the water. So if he could already walk on water, why it was such a big deal for Jesus? After God tried showing off his trick, he realized no one could even see Him in this dark ass place. So he flipped the light switch and for some reason felt compelled to announce it. So the lights came on because God is pretty good at keeping up with the electric bill.

4 He decided, “Dope. I like this light.” Therefore, he made people in His image and separated the light from dark, making White people and Black people. Yup. God was a racist. He got this idea from his roommate, Donald Sterling. So, by divine intervention, Segregation and the Jim Crow Laws were made and all was good. (BBI)