prayer

Psalms 127:3-5

3 Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court. (NIV)

3 Children are a gift from the Lord, a reward from God himself. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, children are full of the youth that we so desperately crave. 5 Blessed is he whose metaphorical quiver is packed with literal children. They shalt not be convicted by the highest courts of the law *hint hint*. (BBI) 

I suppose a much-needed disclaimer: I don’t support molestation in any form.

Romans 13:1-2

1 Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. (NIV)

1 “God made everything that is authoritarian. Your parents? God. Your boss? God. Maniacal dictators? God. 2 Use this section of the Bible to suggest you’ve been chosen by God and to justify any cruel and/or unusual punishment of human beings seeking asylum. (BBI)

I swear. Modern day Evangelical Christians are ancestors of the same religious fanatics they kicked out of England back in the day. Here are some alternative Bible passages to interpret:

33 “When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. 34 The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.” (NIV, Lev. 19:33-34)

19 “Cursed is anyone who withholds justice from the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow. Then all the people shall say, “Amen!” (NIV, Deut. 27:19)

Happy Fourth of July! This is America.

Psalms 69:10

10 When I weep and fast, I must endure scorn (NIV)

10 Steven turned the corner at the intersection and saw the golden arches illuminating the Friday night sky. He pulled up to the drive-thru speaker. A guttural belch of noise exploded from the intercom, “WKCOM T’MDANAOL, HOE KIN I H3LP U?”

“Excuse me?” Steven replied.

The employee cleared their throat and lethargically repeated their greeting, “Welcome to McDonald’s, how can I help you?”

“Can I get a Big M…” Steven suddenly caught a glimpse of his clock, 9:27PM, and remembered it was a Friday, a day of fasting.

“A Big Mac?…Sir? SIR?!”

Stephen paused for a moment. His stomach grumbled audibly. “Actually…actually no. Can I get a salad? Do you have any without any meat?”

“Our side salad. Or you can order one of our salads without the meat.”

“Okay, will that be any cheaper if there’s no meat?”

“No.” (BBI)

Have fun fasting, my Catholic peoples.

Deuteronomy 6:5-7

5 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. 6 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. (KJV)

5 Love me. With all your heart, soul, blah blah, you know. Just love me! LOVE ME! I’m so needy for attention. 6 This isn’t even a choice. LOVE ME!! And I shall ingrain this feeling deep into your heart so you never forget! 7 And you’ll speak about me to your children and your children’s children – when you’re in your home, when you’re walking, when you’re lying down, and when you get up. BYAHH! ALL. BECAUSE. YOU. LOVE. ME. (BBI)

Jeez, insecure much?

Mark 2:15-17

15 While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. 16 When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (NIV)

15 Jesus and his disciples went to eat dinner at Levi’s house with numerous tax collectors and sinners. 16 The Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors and asked his disciples, “Ew, why does he eat with those lowly tax collectors and sinners?”

17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

“God, what a pretentious dick,” the Pharisee muttered as he walked along. (BBI)

Joel 2:12-14

12 “Even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
    with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

13 Rend your heart
    and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
    and he relents from sending calamity.
14 Who knows? He may turn and relent
    and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
    for the Lord your God. (NIV)

12 The Lord proclaimed from the sky,
    “Return to me with all your heart,
    by not eating food, crying, and devastation.”

13 Give up your heart, your literal heart, up to me.
    Pull it directly out of your chest, but don’t take off your garments,
    for you know I get squeamish about nudity.
Return to the Lord, your God,
    for He is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger, despite drowning the entire world once,
abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
He also is the humblest to ever exist,
extremely good looking, and godlike in the sack.
14 Return to the Lord! Who knows?
He may turn and leave behind a blessing—
if you give up offerings of grain and drink
    to the Lord your God. (BBI)

Matthew 9:2

2 And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. (KJV)

2 Jesus’s disciples brought back a man sick with palsy. The man could barely move his body and was paralyzed from the waist down. But the man remained in good spirits and showed tremendous faith in the Lord.

So Jesus said unto him, “Son, be of good cheer, your sins have been forgiven.”

“But what about my legs? How is forgiving my sins going to heal my legs?”

“Relax, my child. My healing powers are rooted in Christian science and 9 out of 10 doctors say that the healing of sins is the same as healing the physical body. Now walk.”

So at his command, the crippled man mustered all of his strength and edged his body to the edge of the bed. For the first time in 15 years, the man would be finally be able to walk again. He sat up in the bed and with the help of

“Go, my son,” Jesus said.

The man took his first step. He fell. (BBI)

A friendly message to go to your doctor’s office for serious injuries and medical conditions and not simply “pray on it.”