science

Matthew 9:2

And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. (KJV)

2 Jesus’s disciples brought back a man sick with palsy. The man could barely move his body and was paralyzed from the waist down. But the man remained in good spirits and showed tremendous faith in the Lord.

So Jesus said unto him, “Son, be of good cheer, your sins have been forgiven.”

“But what about my legs? How is forgiving my sins going to heal my legs?”

“Relax, my child. My healing powers are rooted in Christian science and 9 out of 10 doctors say that the healing of sins is the same as healing the physical body. Now walk.”

So at his command, the crippled man mustered all of his strength and edged his body to the edge of the bed. For the first time in 15 years, the man would be finally be able to walk again. He sat up in the bed and with the help of

“Go, my son,” Jesus said.

The man took his first step. He fell. (BBI)

A friendly message to go to your doctor’s office for serious injuries and medical conditions and not simply “pray on it.”

Advertisements

Genesis 1:1-4

Let the sacrilege begin. I assume the story of Creation is appropriate as my first blog entry.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. (KJV)

God was bored one night. The world was blank, really not much to do. You couldn’t even go to a matinée showing of “Twilight” by yourself. Even though that’s pretty fucking sad if you do that for entertainment or even consider “Twilight” a good movie, though it is entertaining in how terrible the movie is in every sense – plot, production, acting. My God, strike that movie down! *Digression*

So God was bored. And he was playing with Legos. Or Play-Doh. Whatever resonates more with you. And he created heaven and earth. He then realized Earth was pretty shitty, especially compared to this Heaven we’ve all heard about. Clouds, harp music, eternal happiness, 72 virgins?! Oh wait, wrong religion? Why don’t we get any details on Heaven in this, hm? It’s all great and shit. “Oh, let me just make my crib poppin’.” Selfish mother-(shut yo mouth). Well…anyways. God realized he needed to spruce up Earth because he was going to bring his new pets, essentially his slaves, to this new planet. So he started his process. And God went to Earth and crossed the water. So if he could already walk on water, why it was such a big deal for Jesus? After God tried showing off his trick, he realized no one could even see Him in this dark ass place. So he flipped the light switch and for some reason felt compelled to announce it. So the lights came on because God is pretty good at keeping up with the electric bill.

4 He decided, “Dope. I like this light.” Therefore, he made people in His image and separated the light from dark, making White people and Black people. Yup. God was a racist. He got this idea from his roommate, Donald Sterling. So, by divine intervention, Segregation and the Jim Crow Laws were made and all was good. (BBI)