sex

Genesis 16:2-9

The Story of Hagar, Abram & Sarai’s Maid

And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. (KJV)

Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has made me barren. Go impregnate our slave girl so we may take the child as our own.”
“But isn’t that rape? Shouldn’t we at least ask if she wants to be a surrogate for us? This seems kinda unethical, Sa–”
“WHO CARES? DO I LOOK CRAZY?! JUST PENETRATE HER WITH YOUR PENIS!” And he complied.
So Sarai took Hagar, her Egyptian slave, and made her strip and gave her to Abram. Abram sighed and unwillingly had loud, sweaty intercourse multiple times with Hagar for three full days (Fun fact: Three is a biblical number). Once Hagar conceived, she looked down on Sarai. Sarai, sensing this hostility, told Abram that she had made a mistake in allowing Hagar to be taken by Abram.

Abram replied like the dirty savage he is, “She’s your slave. Do whatever you want with that hoe.” And when Sarai beat Hagar, Hagar fled.
The angel of the Lord was I guess just strolling the countryside and found Hagar by the fountain on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where’d you come from? Where will you go?”
Hagar said, “I fled from Sarai because she beat me.” The angel of the Lord saw the pitiful shape Hagar was in – crying, bruised, and disheveled. Then the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and continually get mistreated as a human being, being constantly beaten and raped in order to produce not even your own children.” (BBI)

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Genesis 19:30-36

30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. (KJV)

30 Lot and his two daughters went up to Zoar and settled in a cave in the mountains. Soon, Lot grew depressed and withdrew from the world. 31 The older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there are no men who will have sex with us. Yes, this is a weird transition of two seemingly separate topics that should never be immediately talked about back to back, but listen. 32 Let us make our father drink wine, and essentially rape him so we can carry on his seed.”

33 And they made their father drink wine that night, and the oldest went in and “lay” with her father. He was not aware of what what was happening, similar to the victims of Bill Cosby (allegedly). 34 The next morning, the oldest said to the youngest, “I had sex with our father. Let us make him lose consciousness again tonight and perform incest to preserve our bloodline. You know, for the good!”

35 And they drugged their father again. This time, the youngest went and took advantage of his non-consenting mind. 36 Both of Lot’s daughter carried his seed, and somehow God was cool with it. (BBI)

So, God approves of rape and incest. Go forth and multiply!

Genesis 39:7-9

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? (KJV)

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, “Fuck me.” She threw off her bathrobe while in the archway to Joseph’s room and she began to caress her supple breasts. 

But he refused, and said, “Nah bruh, bro code. I can’t just betray your husband’s trust like that. I’m a man of integrity, a man of principle. He’s been only good to me, how could I do such a wicked thing and go against him?”

“I’ll let you put it in my butt.” And Joseph quickly arose from the bed ready to smash dat @$$. (BBI)

Old Testament’s got some weird stories, huh? Sorry for the hiatus, my flock. #BibleFanFiction

Matthew 15:11

11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man. (KJV)

11 The blonde-headed broad looked up from the inner thighs of Jesus and stopped fellating the Lord.

“What’s wrong, my child?” Jesus asked.
“Isn’t this like wrong, Jesus? In Sunday School, they told me sexual acts before marriage are wrong and…”
“Shh, shh…It is not what goes in thy mouth, but what comes out that defiles one’s soul. Don’t stop and make sure to swallow.”He proclaimed as he slowly led her head back to his gooch. (BBI)

#EroticBibleFiction

Matthew 1:20

20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. (KJV)

20 My dude, Joseph! Dude, dude, I’m telling you, there’s this hot ass babe, Mary. You should totally get with her man. Man, just don’t be afraid, dude. You got it. I know her through that other chick. You know, Mary Magdalene? That girl is a freak. But dude, Magdalene is friends with the other Mary. She’s like the girl-next-door type – super cute, innocent – but apparently she’s kinda into you, dude. Virgin too. Hell yeah, man. Get on that and put the Holy Ghost in her, if you know what I mean 😉 (BBI)

Psalms 138:8

8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever — do not abandon the works of your hands. (NIV)
8 The Lord fills me up. To the brim. Oh, his stamina is great, he can go on forever. And don’t forget what he can do with His hands. 😉 (BBI)
Ok, so I lied about the King James thing. Oh noesss, a sin. I guess I’ll have to update the “About” section soon.
Happy Gay Pride Parade Day? I guess that makes sense. Also, no idea what happened to the line spacing on this post.