Jesus Has Risen (Easter Sunday, a couple days late. So what, sue me.)

1 On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. 2 They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, 3 but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. 5 In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? 6 He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 7 ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”8 Then they remembered his words.

9 When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. 11 But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. 12 Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened. (NIV)

Jesus Undead

It was early on Sunday. The morning mist clouded the atmosphere as the women walked on the lonesome dirt path. They had prepared spices for Jesus’ dead body, because everybody knows that dead people love dry spices by itself.

When they arrived at Jesus’ tomb, the stone had been rolled to the side. With no one around, the women approached the tomb cautiously and entered. Mary Magdalene screamed in horror, as Jesus’ body was no longer there. They all stood there in silence and looked at each other.

All of a sudden, a great white light flooded the tomb, blinding and enveloping the women in its bright light. The women bowed down in fear as two angels, or men with a lot of fireworks, appeared before them and said, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here. He has risen! Remember when he referred to himself in the third person and said, ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified, and on the third day be raised again?'”

“You’re right. That was oddly specific,” said Mother Mary.

When the women came back from the tomb, they told Eleven from Stranger Things and everyone else about Jesus’ empty tomb. But the disciples did not believe the women, “Are you high right now? You’re being woman-like and not making sense even though we’re talking about the alleged Man-God who is part human and part supernatural.”

Without saying a word, Peter suddenly rose up from his chair and sprinted off towards the tomb. Peter found the empty tomb and Jesus’ torn linens. Peter looked dramatically at the sunset as he grasped the bloodied linen, “Oh God, he’s back.”

Then zombie Jesus ate everyone’s brains because that’s what zombies do. The end. (BBI)