Month: August 2014

Job 39:9-12

9 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? 10 Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? 11 Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him 12 Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn? (KJV)

9 Will the unicorn be…wait, unicorn?! What the hell? Unicorn?! There are unicorns? Where are they, Biblical peoples? What’d you do with them?! You couldn’t think of us and let us see a fucking unicorn for once in our life? Y’all got greedy and tried to drink its blood to live forever? Is that how you guys lived to age 700 and shit like that? WTF.

Ahem. Anyways. I don’t even know what this is saying. Will the unicorn be willing to work for you or will it just chill at the crib?? (dafuq) 10 Will the unicorn sow the fields by itself or will it follow you and till the fields, following you. Wait, what?! They could be domesticated?! WHERE ARE OUR UNICORNS! DAMNIT MAN! WE WANT UNICORNS TOO!!! 11 It seems these unicorns were strong, both physically and in cognition. This is unfair. 12 RUN UNICORN!! BEAUTIFUL ASS CREATURE! DON’T LET THESE BIBLE PEOPLE USE YOU FOR LABOR! (BBI)

I really want to see a unicorn.

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Jerimiah 33:2-3

2 “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: 3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ (NIV)

2 The Lord, the one who created Earth is I, the Lord. I said it therefore it is, for I have claimed it. Therefore because I said that I created Earth, it is truth.  I, the Lord, am the one true God. Where does it say that you ask? In the Bible. Who wrote the Bible? Oh, me. So lean on my Word of the Bible as the true teaching and  3 “Ask me, and I shall give you the answers to the things you do not know. For you have no other sources other than I. So you have no choice but to believe me. For my answers are the Truth, the Way, and the Life. Because you know, that’s in the Bible too. You can look it up – I’m completely trustworthy. It’s in the Bible.” (BBI)

Psalms 119:114

114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word. (KJV)

114 I hide in the safety that I believe is my Lord and my religion because I cannot stand up for myself in the actual world. Instead of being proactive and dealing with my various issues, I hide behind my religion, using it as an excuse for any action, or lack thereof. In anything I do, or not do, I believe it is the fate of the Word, which I most likely misinterpret and misattribute, and my destiny itself. Rather than dealing with the issues, I let whatever happen and say it was in my ultimate plan by God. I let the world around me form my destiny rather than attempt to take it into my own hands. I have put my faith in your Word because I lack any faith in my own. #JesusTakeTheWheel (BBI)

Well, shit. That got a bit ranty and cynical. 10 Hail Marys, my child.