cynicism

Genesis 16:2-9

The Story of Hagar, Abram & Sarai’s Maid

And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. (KJV)

Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has made me barren. Go impregnate our slave girl so we may take the child as our own.”
“But isn’t that rape? Shouldn’t we at least ask if she wants to be a surrogate for us? This seems kinda unethical, Sa–”
“WHO CARES? DO I LOOK CRAZY?! JUST PENETRATE HER WITH YOUR PENIS!” And he complied.
So Sarai took Hagar, her Egyptian slave, and made her strip and gave her to Abram. Abram sighed and unwillingly had loud, sweaty intercourse multiple times with Hagar for three full days (Fun fact: Three is a biblical number). Once Hagar conceived, she looked down on Sarai. Sarai, sensing this hostility, told Abram that she had made a mistake in allowing Hagar to be taken by Abram.

Abram replied like the dirty savage he is, “She’s your slave. Do whatever you want with that hoe.” And when Sarai beat Hagar, Hagar fled.
The angel of the Lord was I guess just strolling the countryside and found Hagar by the fountain on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where’d you come from? Where will you go?”
Hagar said, “I fled from Sarai because she beat me.” The angel of the Lord saw the pitiful shape Hagar was in – crying, bruised, and disheveled. Then the angel of the Lord said unto her, “Return to thy mistress, and continually get mistreated as a human being, being constantly beaten and raped in order to produce not even your own children.” (BBI)

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John 2:3-10

The story of Jesus Changing Water into Wine

When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” (NIV)

The wine was gone. Jesus’ mother, Mary, got up from her resting spot and stumbled around. “JESUS MICHAEL CHRIST!” she yelled.
“Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied to his mother in a tone that I guess was acceptable at the time. “My hour has not yet come.”
5 Mary began laughing loudly and obnoxiously as she stood in the middle of the room. Everyone stopped to stare. Tripping over her feet and slurring over her words, Mary went up to the servants and said, “Do whatever he tells you.” She then leaned into one of the manservants, placing her hands on his chest and giggling. She cupped her hands and whispered in his ear, “And you…you do whatever I tell you to.” She winked as she walked away, leaving the servant shocked at the aggressive sexual advance by Jesus’ mother.

Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
“Oh my God, Jesus. Look, look.” She pointed at the stone jars. Jesus came over to inspect. “And they’re so clean. YAAS queen!”
Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
“JESUS! JESUS!” Mary cackled from across the room.
Frustrated again, Jesus replied, “What, woman? I’m going as fast as I can.”
“Oh, well nevermind then. Don’t mind me. Just your mother,” Mary quickly retreated.

Jesus then told the servants, “Sorry. Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the liquid formerly known as water. The master did not realize where it had come from 10 and said, “DAMNNN, SON OF GOD! You turned water into Hennessey?!” (BBI)

Genesis 19:30-36

30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. (KJV)

30 Lot and his two daughters went up to Zoar and settled in a cave in the mountains. Soon, Lot grew depressed and withdrew from the world. 31 The older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there are no men who will have sex with us. Yes, this is a weird transition of two seemingly separate topics that should never be immediately talked about back to back, but listen. 32 Let us make our father drink wine, and essentially rape him so we can carry on his seed.”

33 And they made their father drink wine that night, and the oldest went in and “lay” with her father. He was not aware of what what was happening, similar to the victims of Bill Cosby (allegedly). 34 The next morning, the oldest said to the youngest, “I had sex with our father. Let us make him lose consciousness again tonight and perform incest to preserve our bloodline. You know, for the good!”

35 And they drugged their father again. This time, the youngest went and took advantage of his non-consenting mind. 36 Both of Lot’s daughter carried his seed, and somehow God was cool with it. (BBI)

So, God approves of rape and incest. Go forth and multiply!

Mark 10:13-16

13 And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them. (KJV)

13 People brought young children to Jesus, so that he could touch them. The disciples were appalled and scolded that brought the young flesh to Jesus: “What are you doing?! Do not bring children to be touched by the Lord!” 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was disappointed and said unto them, “Let me touch the children. Do not let the children suffer, for it is God’s Will for me to touch these pure children, and they shall experience the Kingdom of God.”  15 I say unto you, “Any child who does not “receive” the “Kingdom of God” shall not penetrate, I mean, enter heaven.” 16 The others looked suspiciously as Jesus continued to use air quotes for peculiar words. Then Jesus took the children that were brought to him and touched them in front of everyone. (BBI)

Isaiah 43:15-16

15 I am the Lord, your Holy One, the creator of Israel, your King. 16 Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters; (KJV)

15 “I’m the one you can call your Lord, the Holy One. You can call me the Grandmaster of Earth, Lord of the Universe, God of all that mothafuckin’ exists. I am the creator of Israel, I own you. Brrrat Brrrrat! They call me the Don, the G, nah, the OG. I am the first, the Alpha AND the Omega. Untouchable, call me MC Hammer. I’m too fly, I’m too high, I’m in the air like a G6. Like the clouds. I’m out of this atmosphere. I’m even past your comprehension. I’m non-physical, but I can knock yo’ ass out!” 16 Bragged God to the two children who were praying to him in hopes of saving their father dying from cancer.

Matthew 2:11

The Story of the Three Magi

11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. (KJV)

11 They arrived at the house after a long week’s travel, and, upon seeing the baby Jesus and his mother Mary, they collapsed at the feet of the infant Savior and worshipped him. Young Mother Mary smiled pleasantly and thanked them for the kind gesture.

“No, the honor is all ours,” one of the magi said. “Please, let us show our gratitude.” And all at the same time, each magi brought a wrapped gift out from under their robes.

The first magi unwrapped his gift and presented it to Jesus and Mary. “Here is my humble gift of gold, straight from the neck of ‘Lil Jon himself.”

The other two magi looked at each other. After a long pause, the second magi finally exclaimed, “HUMBLE?! Way to one up us, dude!” The third magi jumped in, “Yeah, what the fuck, man. You’re making us look like some cheapskates! Besides I thought we agreed to a $20 limit?”

The first magi defended himself, “Sorry, sorry, I forgot, geez! Just show yours.” The second magi then grabbed his gift apathetically and sighed as he opened the wrapping, revealing frankincense.

There was another pause, then everyone in the room except the second magi burst into laughter. “Frankincense?! Perfume?!? HAHA. Is the baby trying to get laid? HAHA!!”

The second magi erupted from his seat and shouted, “HEY, WHY DOES PERFUME GOT TO BE GENDER-SPECIFIC, HUH? YOU SEXISTS! YEAH, CHECK YOURSELF!” Everyone stopped laughing immediately and anxiously looked at each other.

“Okay then…” the third magi broke the tense silence, “So, the final gift.” He unwrapped the cloth, and everyone huddled around to see.

“Myrrh? Wait, isn’t that used for embalming dead bodies?”

“Yeah,” the third magi responded.

“That’s really dark, dude.”

“What? It’s like 1 B.C. Lots of infants die from complications! I was just being thoughtful!” (BBI)

1 Peter 3:8

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. (NIV)

My low-life minions, be like-minded, for you are simpletons. Copies of copies. You have no identity. You are not unique. You are not an individual. You are a slave. You are sheep. Dependent. Be sympathetic. Naive. Weak. Frail. You are the lowest of low. Scum. I can replace you, for I am God, and you are nothing. Love one another. Because no one else will. You’re no better. Wait, you’re worse than the dog shit at the bottom of a homeless man’s half-rotten shoe. Be compassionate and humble. Because you shall not get my compassion. You will listen to me and follow my every order. Because you are weak-minded, unable to do anything for yourself. I created you, and I can take you out. Noah-type shit. Chinese Water Torture aint shit. (BBI)

Job 39:9-12

9 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? 10 Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? 11 Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him 12 Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn? (KJV)

9 Will the unicorn be…wait, unicorn?! What the hell? Unicorn?! There are unicorns? Where are they, Biblical peoples? What’d you do with them?! You couldn’t think of us and let us see a fucking unicorn for once in our life? Y’all got greedy and tried to drink its blood to live forever? Is that how you guys lived to age 700 and shit like that? WTF.

Ahem. Anyways. I don’t even know what this is saying. Will the unicorn be willing to work for you or will it just chill at the crib?? (dafuq) 10 Will the unicorn sow the fields by itself or will it follow you and till the fields, following you. Wait, what?! They could be domesticated?! WHERE ARE OUR UNICORNS! DAMNIT MAN! WE WANT UNICORNS TOO!!! 11 It seems these unicorns were strong, both physically and in cognition. This is unfair. 12 RUN UNICORN!! BEAUTIFUL ASS CREATURE! DON’T LET THESE BIBLE PEOPLE USE YOU FOR LABOR! (BBI)

I really want to see a unicorn.

Jerimiah 33:2-3

2 “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: 3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ (NIV)

2 The Lord, the one who created Earth is I, the Lord. I said it therefore it is, for I have claimed it. Therefore because I said that I created Earth, it is truth.  I, the Lord, am the one true God. Where does it say that you ask? In the Bible. Who wrote the Bible? Oh, me. So lean on my Word of the Bible as the true teaching and  3 “Ask me, and I shall give you the answers to the things you do not know. For you have no other sources other than I. So you have no choice but to believe me. For my answers are the Truth, the Way, and the Life. Because you know, that’s in the Bible too. You can look it up – I’m completely trustworthy. It’s in the Bible.” (BBI)