12 “Even now,” declares the Lord,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
13 Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
14 Who knows? He may turn and relent
and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
for the Lord your God. (NIV)
12 The Lord proclaimed from the sky,
“Return to me with all your heart,
by not eating food, crying, and devastation.”
13 Give up your heart, your literal heart, up to me.
Pull it directly out of your chest, but don’t take off your garments,
for you know I get squeamish about nudity.
Return to the Lord, your God,
for He is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger, despite drowning the entire world once,
abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
He also is the humblest to ever exist,
extremely good looking, and godlike in the sack.
14 Return to the Lord! Who knows?
He may turn and leave behind a blessing—
if you give up offerings of grain and drink
to the Lord your God. (BBI)
Bad Bible Interpretations 