Month: January 2016

Matthew 2:11

The Story of the Three Magi

11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. (KJV)

11 They arrived at the house after a long week’s travel, and, upon seeing the baby Jesus and his mother Mary, they collapsed at the feet of the infant Savior and worshipped him. Young Mother Mary smiled pleasantly and thanked them for the kind gesture.

“No, the honor is all ours,” one of the magi said. “Please, let us show our gratitude.” And all at the same time, each magi brought a wrapped gift out from under their robes.

The first magi unwrapped his gift and presented it to Jesus and Mary. “Here is my humble gift of gold, straight from the neck of ‘Lil Jon himself.”

The other two magi looked at each other. After a long pause, the second magi finally exclaimed, “HUMBLE?! Way to one up us, dude!” The third magi jumped in, “Yeah, what the fuck, man. You’re making us look like some cheapskates! Besides I thought we agreed to a $20 limit?”

The first magi defended himself, “Sorry, sorry, I forgot, geez! Just show yours.” The second magi then grabbed his gift apathetically and sighed as he opened the wrapping, revealing frankincense.

There was another pause, then everyone in the room except the second magi burst into laughter. “Frankincense?! Perfume?!? HAHA. Is the baby trying to get laid? HAHA!!”

The second magi erupted from his seat and shouted, “HEY, WHY DOES PERFUME GOT TO BE GENDER-SPECIFIC, HUH? YOU SEXISTS! YEAH, CHECK YOURSELF!” Everyone stopped laughing immediately and anxiously looked at each other.

“Okay then…” the third magi broke the tense silence, “So, the final gift.” He unwrapped the cloth, and everyone huddled around to see.

“Myrrh? Wait, isn’t that used for embalming dead bodies?”

“Yeah,” the third magi responded.

“That’s really dark, dude.”

“What? It’s like 1 B.C. Lots of infants die from complications! I was just being thoughtful!” (BBI)

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Genesis 39:7-9

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? (KJV)

And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, “Fuck me.” She threw off her bathrobe while in the archway to Joseph’s room and she began to caress her supple breasts. 

But he refused, and said, “Nah bruh, bro code. I can’t just betray your husband’s trust like that. I’m a man of integrity, a man of principle. He’s been only good to me, how could I do such a wicked thing and go against him?”

“I’ll let you put it in my butt.” And Joseph quickly arose from the bed ready to smash dat @$$. (BBI)

Old Testament’s got some weird stories, huh? Sorry for the hiatus, my flock. #BibleFanFiction