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A Bad Bible Prayer

“Oh sweet 8 lb. baby Jesus borne of the womb of definite 12 year-old virgin Mary, let me win the Mega Millions.”
– Everyone who suddenly found religion when the lottery was at 1.6 billion (also me)

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Romans 13:1-2

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. (NIV)

1 “God made everything that is authoritarian. Your parents? God. Your boss? God. Maniacal dictators? God. Use this section of the Bible to suggest you’ve been chosen by God and to justify any cruel and/or unusual punishment of human beings seeking asylum. (BBI)

I swear. Modern day Evangelical Christians are ancestors of the same religious fanatics they kicked out of England back in the day. Here are some alternative Bible passages to interpret:

33 When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. 34 The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.” (NIV, Lev. 19:33-34)

19 “Cursed is anyone who withholds justice from the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow. Then all the people shall say, “Amen!” (NIV, Deut. 27:19)

Happy Fourth of July! This is America.

Matthew 7:15-19

15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. (KJV)

Happy Inauguration Day.

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