9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (KJV)
9 If you’re ever sad, beat up some children! (BBI)
Sorry for my lengthy absence. I was focused on getting a job like a normal person. But I am back, and shall try to be better, my flock!
30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. 36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. (KJV)
30 Lot and his two daughters went up to Zoar and settled in a cave in the mountains. Soon, Lot grew depressed and withdrew from the world. 31 The older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there are no men who will have sex with us. Yes, this is a weird transition of two seemingly separate topics that should never be immediately talked about back to back, but listen. 32 Let us make our father drink wine, and essentially rape him so we can carry on his seed.”
33 And they made their father drink wine that night, and the oldest went in and “lay” with her father. He was not aware of what what was happening, similar to the victims of Bill Cosby (allegedly). 34 The next morning, the oldest said to the youngest, “I had sex with our father. Let us make him lose consciousness again tonight and perform incest to preserve our bloodline. You know, for the good!”
35 And they drugged their father again. This time, the youngest went and took advantage of his non-consenting mind. 36 Both of Lot’s daughter carried his seed, and somehow God was cool with it. (BBI)
So, God approves of rape and incest. Go forth and multiply!
15 So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. (KJV)
15 Jesus laid down the home-cooked meal in front of Simon Peter. Simon Peter immediately started ravaging the plate, no manners brought into the forefront. Jesus, noticing Simon’s hastiness, asked him, “Simon, do you love me? Do you love me more than that food?” Simon Peter paused, rolled his eyes, and in a muffled answer through bites of his meal reluctantly said, “Yeah yeah. Of course, Jesus. You know I love you.” Simon Peter then took another ginormous meal of his turkey leg.
Jesus standing there with his hands clutched together finally seemed a bit relieved, and his tight grasp slowly loosened. He let go, made a slight smile, and started walking back to the kitchen. Simon called out, “Hey, go get me a beer.”(BBI)
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. (KJV)
30 Trust no bitch! Y’all fake and you’re gonna get ugly with age. Fear me, bitches! Be submissive to me, and you won’t get beat. Maybe even get a compliment on dinner if it it’s not burned. (BBI)
Bad Bible Interpretations 